Allowing your kids to cuss offers a great balance between
1. making profanity less cool for them
2. pissing your mother-in-law off
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The defense rests your honor.
*camera pans to defendant taking a nap*
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If you don’t clean up this room I will empty threat you so hard!
Food prices really ARE insane right now. My son just charged me $300 for a plastic taco from his toy food truck.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
No, I’m not wearing lipgloss, I’ve just been eating salami.
I just hid a big bag of Easter peanut butter cups in the back of the freezer. In July I’ll find them and be very pleased then convinced I have dementia.
Ex-wife died in a car wreck yesterday. Didn’t send flowers, thought might be weird to the family. That and didnt know other drivers address.
Give a girl a fish & she’s like “are u retarded?” Teach a girl to fish & she’s all “i only invited u to my party cause our moms are friends”
Donkey Kong sommelier
Pizza: You should totally eat all of me. Like, all by yourself.
Me: What? No way.
Pizza: Why not?
Me: That’s a really good point.
My stylist: How much fabric do you wanna wear?
Me: Yes.
I met my wife on Tinder. She was furious.
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
Clearly the people that design refrigerators don’t know me if they think 1 tiny cheese drawer & 2 giant vegetable drawers is the way to go.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
I’ve learnt a lot from the movies over the years, such as how to count using Roman numerals…
I, II, III, IV, V, Balboa.
Parole officer: Come in and take a seat
[me, finishing a jail term for stealing chairs] *starts sweating*
If you’re not part of the solution, I might need to add more solvent.
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Are you there Santa?
It’s me, Midge
My lotion bottle says to use it on areas of irritation, so I slathered it all over my coworker, Deborah.
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife & I have sex. We hide the videos but he always finds them
One time my kid sassed at me with a raised voice and quickly apologized saying, “Sorry I have Voice Immodulation Disorder.”
Then we laughed and laughed and anyway, how many months is enough time-out?
Ziiipppp, zip, zip, zip, ziiiipppp!
*Me, dramatically ending a marital spat during a camping trip
Ironically, having a child makes you swear more, not less.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.