Having kids is like hoping for the Little House on the Prairie but getting Lord of the Flies instead.
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ME: You have a bigger piece of avocado.
HUSBAND: No, but you can take mine.
ME: Yes you do, but I’m fine.
HUSBAND: Are you sure?
ME: Yes.
HUSBAND: *almost takes a bite*
ME: (sighs)
HUSBAND: Seriously, do you want this?
ME: I said I’m fine. Eat your giant avocado.
Tv: He is in cardiac arrest
My Kid: That’s just silly, how will they put handcuffs on his heart
Me: I’m starting to realize how you failed anatomy
A hooker once showed me her dollar menu. Her meat actually did resemble McDonald’s.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
I just saw someone refer to sexual tension an bangxiety. I’m dead.☠️
Them: awwww just let those dishes go, mama! They’ll get done eventually! Spend every second with your babies, it’s so fleeting 🥰
Me, industriously taking notes: Sounds great. What time should I expect the Dish Fairy to arrive
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
Me: “My wish is have a nice quiet retirement in a little house by the water.”
Genie:
Hey man do you like my costume? You only need photographic memories of every movie scene you’ve ever watched to get it.
Nothing makes me turn on country music and sit up straight faster than a cop driving behind me.
Good cop: u want a drink?
Good cop 2: I love your shirt
Good cop 3: ur so ripped dude
Good cop 4: the bad cops are striking today, handsome
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
There was a fire at the Yankee Candle store. 8 killed. 19 injured. 1200 soothed.
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
*wakes up before alarm goes off*
please be 5am please be 5am
*checks time*
2:34pm, februrary 25, 2054. NOOOOOOOOO
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
first dinner with other vaccinated friends and a man spent the whole time arguing with me about cryptocurrency. release the rest of the bats
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
This is Eric’s wife. He accidentally left the house without his phone. TELL ME EVERYTHING.
Starting a conga line is a great conversation ender.
[Thanksgiving Dinner]
“Ursula, would you mind saying grace?”
“I’d be honored. Let us join hands and bow our heads. WAIT FOR IT…grace.”
funny that they call it a bell pepper, and yet the onion rings
angel: you died
me: oh no
angel: but at least you lived a good life
me:
angel: helped others
me:
angel: did all u could
me:
angel: *checking clipboard* I’ve got the wrong notes, haven’t I
me: I didn’t wanna interrupt
I had a dream where my crush complimented my face and I said “thanks I’ve been working on it my whole life” so yes I’m truly like this all the time even while I sleep
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
Tip: When the cop asks you “Do you know how fast you were going?” do NOT respond with “I know, right?!”
Wife: can you pick up milk on your way home
Me: can’t he just get a ride home with friends
Wife: again, our son’s name is not Milk
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
*sinks into depression*
Depression: “Wrong hole.”
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Might I suggest a shower?