Friend: If someone broke into my house, my dog would rip them to shreds.
Me: If someone broke into mine, my dog would make a cheese plate and open a nice bottle of wine.
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Emergency Vet: your cat seems fine
Me: she thinks I don’t feed her enough
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
Me: I’m going to start packing lunch to save money.
Also me: *eats entire lunch in traffic and orders takeout at noon*
(Watching the new James Bond Trailer)
Daughter 9: Wow. There is so much reckless driving happening here….
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
So cute how this taxi driver is taking an unnecessarily long route and driving slowly so he gets to spend more time with me.
I’ve hidden porn everywhere. Not ordinary porn either, all that weird shit.
When I die, my family will talk about me for years to come.
Her: In case you’re interested, I’m dying.
Me: Then I’ll only set one place for dinner.
ME: *robbing bank* More like, I’m BANKing on you not tripping the alarm! Haha!
TELLER: Haha!
COPS: *tackling me from behind* Haha!
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
me: see you later alligator
crocodile: [frustrated sigh]
Phew
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PhewThe Chosen Phew
Once, I had a dream so bad I threw away the pillow.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
My phone automatically flagged a bunch of my selfies as “low quality images” and I’m not gonna lie, that stings a bit.
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
6-year-old: I’m laughing cause your laugh makes me laugh. Your joke’s not funny though.
That stung.
The last couple years haven’t been ALL bad. Just look at the repertoire of potato-based coping strategies you’ve developed
Review for this new shatter I just tried:
Thinking about how if someone stole my deck I wouldn’t be able to get into my house because the door is too high.
A very sad, cold hearted person sent an anonymous letter to my wife stating I was having an affair with a woman friend. I wasn’t. What has happened in their life to make them do that? However, the fact my wife and daughter thought it was so preposterous was really annoying.
if you don’t respond to my email when i am alive don’t expect me to reply to your ouija board questions when i am dead.
You know how you stumble to the bathroom at night keeping your eyes squeezed shut so you don’t fully wake up?
That’s the whole month of January for me
Why are they called ‘school gym clothes’ and not ‘class action suits’?
I’m tired tomorrow.
every time i say my cat’s name she looks at me like i just told her that her husband died at sea
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
I come from a time of excessive Durans.
I dunno…maybe the Mars Rover can find all the spoons and bowls in my kids bedroom.