Hear me out, a tattoo that beeps every time you are about to do something you will regret.
You Might Also Like
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
me: I got a cookie just for donating blood
friend: *woozily waking up* whose blood
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
Someone told me yesterday that my casual outfit made them feel overdressed at the office, so today I wore a ball gown and a sequined cape with glittery stilts and a feather headdress and asked if she felt more at home
I’m from the generation when we’re telling a story about our childhood we say “You have to remember, cellphones weren’t around back then.”
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?
Nothing is more reliable than a sleeve sliding down your arm as you’re washing your hands
[climbing out of a dumpster] believe it or not, I am here to help
“babe, lauren. you always act like this when you do gin shots. you’re causing a scene”
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
SANTA: *sees presents under Christmas tree already* what the? someone beat me to it
[a light glows in the corner]
ALEXA: what’s the matter, old sprite, not in your… prime?
I was trying to help my 4yo with his socks and he told me “I got it old man” so yea you can fit a whole lot of audacity into a 4yo.
The eclipse was like April fools for birds
Convertibles are great if you want to arrive at your destination looking like a startled wookiee.
WTH! @ The audience that just sat and watched the first ever magician to saw a lady in half.
*shoving a bunch of random food containers and lids into my cabinet without organizing or stacking them in any way, quickly closing the door before they can topple* I probably won’t regret this later
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: How long has it been since you showered?
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Eating a cucumber would be the 2nd worst way to discover that you are allergic to cucumbers.
I’m supposed to be Gen-X but I feel like Gen-FML is more fitting.
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
*having an ultrasound*
dr: baby is looking healt…hang on..
patient: omg what!?
dr: there appears to be an intruder in your womb.
patient: intruder?
dr: *yelling at stomach* TURN AROUND HE’S BEHIND YOU
nurse: umm i think she is having twins?
dr: *exhaling* oh thank god.
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
i am against victim blaming except for when someone loses their sunglasses in the ocean
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
My doctor said I can get back to my college weight if I simply go for a brisk three hundred mile walk each morning.