It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
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These people act like they’ve never seen a woman eat a whole rotisserie chicken before.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
°pulls up to drive-thru°
[ME] ONE NUMBER 4 WITH A COKE
[FREIND] aren’t you on a diet
[ME] oh yeah..AND A BOOK ABOUT MANNERS FOR MY FRIEND
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
“Ok J Lo, we have a movie for you.”
“Is the male lead obsessed with me?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll do it.”
How it started: How it’s going:
This may be racist but whenever I have a test in class I try to get a seat next to a dolphin because they are usually really smart.
O: put your seatbelt on, honey
o: i will, mom
O: you ready?
ø: yes
Teacher: Ok, which of you stole the thesaurus?
Student: Not me
Student: Not me
Student: Nay myself
Student: Not me
Any job can be a temp job if you forcibly swaddle your boss like an infant
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
The Lay’s Flavor Contest is back!
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
This bald spot just appeared out of thin hair.
everyone: “you changed”
the climate: i know 😞
[town square in a thunderstorm]
Galileo: Thunderbolt and lightning very very frightening me.
His mom: Gallileo! Galileo!
Galileo Figaro!! *hands him an umbrellaGalileo: magnifico!! *gets big hug from mom*
Galileo: mama mia, mama mia let me go *looking around embarrassed*
Unless someone tries to take a kneecap out with a crowbar, I have no interest in watching the Olympics.
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”
good morning to everyone except people who leave themselves enough time to eat breakfast
Celebrity dumping an ice bucket on himself to raise money? Cute. Humanity dumping an ice cap on itself to raise sea levels? HILARIOUS.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
*watches wife take out ice cream
*watches wife scoop ice cream into bowl
*watches wife eat ice cream
Me: SO WHATCHA DOIN’
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
Whenever my friends make drunk plans for brunch, I always feel like a shark tank judge. I’m like “You have no real plan, I’ve seen this idea fall apart before, and I know for a fact that you don’t have the money. For these reasons, I am out.”
ME: I swear to god I will burn this place to the ground. I can’t take this anymore. I am done. DONE.
CUSTOMER SERVICE REP: sir thank you for holding, it’s just going to be another minute
ME: sure of course no problem
IF THEY’RE THE GREATEST GENERATION WHY CAN’T EITHER OF MY PARENTS REMEMBER THEIR FACEBOOK PASSWORDS?!
Complete list of all the words I know to “The Macarena”:
1- Hey
2- Macarena
ADVERSARY: I’ll beat you at your own game
ME: so crying is competitive now?!
Seems legit