welcome back to invisibility class.
it’s pretty disappointing to see so many of you here.
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HER: DM me later, okay?
ME: Okay.
*later*
ME: *sends her a message* Your party, weary from your travels, gather at the tavern in the hamlet of Oakwood. A friendly barkeep serves drinks to the townsfolk as a traveling bard takes the stage. Go ahead and introduce your character.
Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.
Pigeon: the distance a pig travels in one eon
Gonna hand out job applications to teenage trick-or-treaters who ring my doorbell.
“The Perfect Relationship”
[interview at a clothing store]
be cool, don’t let them know you’re a dog
“so what color is this dress?”
oh you gotta be kidding me
[carnival]
me: I’d like an elephant!
face painter: on your cheek or…?
me: *unbuttoning pants* my wife is going to be so surprised
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
6: What’s a hangover?
Me: The interest repayment on fun.
Could u imagine you send ur son off to professor Xs school thinkin he has a better life now, you look on the tv and juggernaut just threw him into a building lmfaoooooo
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
GF (from 2nd floor window): either the trampoline goes or I go!
ME: It
…was
…nice
…knowing
…you
You can’t rush stupid.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Lately I do feel like my body and I are in a passive-aggressive fight that’s rapidly escalating.
WORST THINGS THAT CAN HAPPEN WHILE SKYDIVING
4. Parachute fails
3. Eagle pecks your eyes out
2. You see your house from the sky & notice your parents making love in the garden
1. You’re blown off course & land at a friend’s wedding you said you couldn’t attend because you’re ill
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
One bough breaks centuries ago and now it’s “uncouth” to hang my baby in the tree tops?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
August 8
[Playing House]
Child: You can be the kid and I’ll be Dad.
Me: Bills are due, dinner needs cooked, and your boss needs that presentation done by tomorrow.
Child: …
Me: What?
Child: That doesn’t sound very fun.
Me: Can’t hear you; busy playing Minecraft.
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
Woman selling raffle tickets: would you like to enter a drawing?
Guy from A-Ha: i’m not doing that shit again
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
GIRLS: if your boyfriend lives in a jar with a few pieces of grass, a leaf and a little twig. Congrats, you’re dating a bug.
Earth: Sorry, but I love the sun now, and nothing’s going to come between us.
Moon: *throws shade*