servant: what size should I make the bed?
king: like this *spreads arms*
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My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
If you say “NO YOURE UNDER ARREST” the cop legally has to get in the back of your car.
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
I guess “Victoria’s Secret Angel” does sound better than “flightless pantybird”
me: I believe it was Meatloaf who said two out of three ain’t bad
wife: YOU LEFT ONE OF OUR KIDS AT THE GROCERY STORE
Girl: *blowing kisses to boyfriend across the room*
Me: *runs in and swats kisses out of the air*
Well, Jesus, now all Samsung’s competitors have to say is “we won’t blow up in your pocket and set you ablaze!”
Boss: are you sticking to the schedule
Death: yeah of course
Boss: so you’re not killing anyone prematurely to gain access to their earthly wares
Death: *pauses brand new PS5* what are you getting at Roy
Candy is dandy but Heather wears leather.
There are only a few more shopping days left until your loved ones find out how little you understand them.
Husband: Are we going to start eating healthier?
Me: Absolutely!
Husband: So burgers and fries for dinner tonight?
Me: Absolutely!
When Al Pacino was young he was all the Beatles at once.
[In line at Starbucks]
[Woman behind me talking] I work in an office with 50% men so-
[Excitedly turn around] OMG YOU WORK WITH CENTAURS
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
the worst kind of twitter bio is something like “katie’s husband. father to jenny” i don’t know who that is, dip shit
Relax TV weatherman with your sciencey explanation of today’s fog. It’s a cloud on the ground, just say it. Help me not hate you.
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
Been getting into gardening lately and I think it’s going well!
[inventing the grinch] santa needs a wario
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
*gets out of the pool*
*gets into another pool but it’s full of rice so i can dry off*
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I got kicked out of the casino in Las Vegas.
I didn’t cheat. I just misunderstood what the craps table was for.
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
So wait, fruits and nuts are only healthy when they’re not covered in chocolate?
Dieting is bullshit.