Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
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My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs…
I’ve been his customer for 6 years.
I had no idea he was a barber.
Me: *delivers fantastic presentation*
Fish Boss: great work!
Me: thanks for letting MINNOW what you think!
Fish Boss: you’re fired.
Since Twitter, I’ve learned to watch TV with my ears
I just locked eyes with a man at the gym. Was it because of his massive muscles? His perfect sun kissed tan topped with nicely placed tattoos? Was it his large hands and feet? No. It was because he was eating a Caramel Apple Pop and I didn’t know you could still buy those.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number
OWNER: The museum’s ready?
ME: All the artichokes are in place
OWNER: Ha, you mean artifacts
[I slam the door shut]
ME: U cannot go in there
me: who wants to eat some sweet cheeks?
wife: for the last time, they’re called cinnamon buns
Noah was an idiot.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
opening myfitnesspal and crying while i log Ginger Bread House three times
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
“Can I have $20?”
-how teenagers say hello
When my dog hears another dog down the street, he always looks at me like I had something to do with it.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
(to the tune of We Will Rock You)
I feed my dog dog food
It’s okay when Pac Man runs all over the place eating pills and claiming ghosts are after him but when I do it I’m “crazy.”
Me:*screaming in horror in the bathroom*
Him:*banging on door* Are you ok? WTF is going on?
M:I found a gray hair!
H:So?
M:IN MY EYEBROW!!
*waters flowers*
*flowers die**sprays weeds with poison*
*weeds mutate, quadruple in size, grow 3 heads, and start speaking in tongues*
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
A San Francisco man is running seven marathons in seven days on seven continents; he’s expected to be seven times as annoying about it.
I’ll scaramouche, but I don’t do the Fandango for every little silhouetto of a man.
I ate so much Chef Boyardee growing up, the only information I want from a colonoscopy is if my innards are stained orange like old Tupperware
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
Cutting your own hair is a great thing to do in lockdown, because it can be fun and creative, it saves you money, and it ensures you definitely won’t want to leave the house for several weeks.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My husband called and said he wants tacos for dinner. We’ve been together for 30 years and I still can’t tell whether or not it’s a euphemism.
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Kid next door asked if I could help him with his math homework, I said sure kid right after we play hide and seek, I’ll hide first.