10 years ago, as a joke, I told everyone I was giving up sex for Lent. Haven’t gotten laid since. Well played, God.
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Bumped into my Ex again. I should really move her to a different part of the freezer.
People are shitting on gorilla kid’s mom for not watching. My mom had three kids under 5. I could’ve run a terrorist cell outta my treehouse
KID: I don’t need a coat
ME: baby, it’s cold outside
KID: I don’t think it’s cold
ME: it really is cold outside
KID: I will not be cold
ME: I promise it’s cold outside
[twenty more minutes of arguing]
ME: fine let’s just go
KID: daddy it’s cold outside
Interviewer: You list excellent negotiator on your resume. Could you provide an example?
Me: *slow winks, slides $5 across table* I’m hired
Ever since CATS come out things have been way off
Some people should be forced to carry a plant around with them, to replace the oxygen they waste.
Me: How was school?
11-year-old: It was a normal day.
Me: So it was good?
11: I didn’t say that at all.
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
Her: You spent our entire life savings on dogs
Me: They’re golden retrievers, Karen. They retrieve gold. I did it for us
If you stand by and watch someone wreck their life, you’re part of the problem
And yet we all still go to weddings for the open bar
A good response to any question is “what do you plan to do with this information”, especially at a McDonald’s drive-through
Have kids so you can say things you never thought you would like please don’t vacuum your sister
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
I have a strange power dynamic with the cat as I can’t tell if I’ve been evicted or deposed. Either way, the centre of the bed is no longer mine.
I drink coffee because I don’t think I would do well going to prison for murder.
canceling plans is ok. staying home to cook is ok. disappearing for a bit to get your life together is ok. resurfacing in a foreign country with a new name 10 years later is ok. it’s called self care
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden
Joe, keep that beat nice and loose. Sam, take that bass for a walk. Ray I slept with your mom AND A ONE AND A TWO AND A
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
Dating is easy. You just *goes into fetal position*
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!
The divorce rate is almost at 60%. How does Cupid keep his job with that level of failure?
Give a man a fish and he’ll go to McDonald’s instead.
Teach a man to fish and nope, still McDonald’s
Why isn’t everyone terrified that Mars is the only planet completely populated by robots?
Barista: How do you take your coffee?
Me: Seriously. Very seriously.
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
[blind date]
Her: Where’s your ink? Your profile said you had a sleeve.
Me: *pulls out sleeve of girl scout cookies*
Professor X: Being literal is not a superpower
Guy: But-
Wolverine: Look man, just take the L and leave
Guy: *Drives away*
Woverine: Oh no you didnt!