It’s okay bowel syndrome, I am irritable too.
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If ostriches had arms they would be so good at hugging.
I still remember how great water out of a squirt gun tasted. That hint of polyethylene.
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Some guy just smiled at me at the store and I didn’t know what to do; so I gave this half smirk, half confused look and I’m pretty sure he thinks I have gas
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Can’t believe I’ve already spent $500 on mayonnaise this year.
I bought a safe. Then I had to store the key, so I bought another safe. Then another for that key. See, this is how Big Safe gets you.
Doc asked if I had a strong stream and I told him it’s so strong sometimes I flood the shower.
I went the wrong way down the grocery store aisle and you’d think I was looking at a 10 year prison sentence with the way Karen reacted.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
If you were to open my fridge right now, you would ask yourself two things:
1. Why is there so much soy sauce
2. How did you make it past 14 years old
Another great day of being Everyone’s Personal Assistant. Today I helped a young man in his search for love ❤️👍
11yos doing remote school be like, help me with this, no not like that, no not like that either, ugh forget it I’ll do it myself, seriously it’s fine I’ll figure it out, ughhh you’re so annoying just leeeeeave, wait I need help come back
I’m automatically suspicious of anyone who seems to really like me. From now on I want to see nothing but tepid enthusiasm from you, Sunshine.
I listen to your prayers, but only to correct their grammar.
another day another dollar?
where’d you find a dollar?
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
A backlit photo is a fun way to find out that you need to start plucking your chin
*Struts like a peacock*
I’ll have you know I made it through the meeting without falling asleep
Cw – it was 10 minutes long!
Me – my record, Write it down mister party pooper
Blue smoke – Boy
Pink smoke – Girl
White smoke – Pope
Give me a few strong men, and I’ll build a nation. Give me a few hot women, and I’ll conquer the world.
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
[meeting the parents]
Dad: what do you think of Baroque?
Me: *trying to impress him* you should see my bank account. Im always broke.
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
I’m just sick of the mixed signals, babe. One second you’re changing your phone number and the next you’re filing a restraining order.