My daughter woke me up at 5 am to urgently tell me “any balloon spongebob blows up is technically a water balloon” & I have not been able to fall back asleep
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Dogs look like they’ve received some really sad news when they watch you eat.
People give babies a hard time but if objects were constantly disappearing around me I’d be crying too.
How confused about the world are you right now, on a scale of 0 to “trying to figure out a friend’s shower”
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
Hi, I’m Angie.
You may remember me from such instances as: Where did all the vodka go? Is ur friend ok? Or: Who’s responsible for this girl?
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
i just hope my kid isn’t the kid that makes a teachers day by being absent
“There are a lot of dead bodies, but it’s okay because they look more like ham.”
-my daughter describing her video game
rroses are red,
violets are blue,
Valentine’s Day was invented by big corporations so they could sell more anti-depressants
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
You bring home one goat and suddenly you’re not allowed to go to the farmers market unsupervised anymore.
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
If laziness was an Olympic sport, I’d probably come in fourth so I wouldn’t need to walk up to the podium.
Scrolls Twitter
*throws phone in holy water
is this a warning or an offer?
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
I don’t forgive or forget. I make voodoo dolls.
FLIGHT ATTENDANT: sir calm down
ME (having panic attack): sorry I’ve never flown before
PILOT (over intercom): dont worry neither have I lol
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
ZOO BOSS: You’re fired!
ME: Is it because I cross bred a dog with a zebra and called it a Debra, after my wife?
BOSS: Yes. Yes it is.
If only
[unhooks bra on 3rd try]
“Sir, please don’t touch the mannequins.”
But of course I remember you!
Just not your name, or your face…
Why eat a carrot when you can just as easily not eat a carrot?
Wrong officer, none of these drugs are being carried with the intent to distribute
It’s time to play “Is My Kid Hugging Me or Cleaning His Nose or Both?”
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.