When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
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“I think this chlorine is healing my anal fissure.” – Things not to say in a swimming pool. Apparently.
How to get a guys attention:
1. Take off your shirt
2. Be a TV
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Baller is short for ballerina
Cashier: That’ll be $29.95 sweetheart
Me: Here you are, pumpkin face
Cashier:
Me: oh, I’m sorry, were we not giving eachother cute nicknames?
The family you’ve pictured in your mind, is never the one that shows up at the BBQ.
To any ex-military that live on my street I apologize for whatever messages we may be sending, 2yo has discovered light switches
If you answer the right answer on a “wrong answer only” post, didn’t you technically follow the instructions?
LIFE HACK: give ur next child a normal name
ME: are u still mad that ur mother and i named u Life Hack
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
I had day surgery today (nothing big) and they were like “don’t make any important decisions in the next 24 hours bc you might not remember them.” But I had to go grocery shopping. Later Morgan was like “you bought … so much, like a lot, of cheese.”
Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
$4 #usedbooks
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Just in case to be clear #gbbo
Sitting on airplane…. I sanitize our tray tables, seat cushions, seatbelts, and seatback pockets. My child then licks the window.
[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates
I’d really like for my friends to host an intervention for me, there’s nothing wrong or anything, I just think it would be cool to see everyone
Kinda bullshit that there wasn’t a giant, aggressive shrimp character in Finding Nemo named Genghis Prawn.
The movie “Up” could never have been filmed today…
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
It’s Thursday the 12th so I put on a hockey mask and sent some passive aggressive emails
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
she left me for good. what am i suposed to do now?
“…there ar plenty of fish in the sea”
OK DUDE FOR THE LAST TIME IM NOT GONA DATE A FISH
[phone rings]
“We’ve removed your son’s missing picture from our milk cartons.”
“You found him?”
“No, people stopped buying milk.”
girl: i love philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry, whom is ur favorite philosopher
Why do I always say yes to the receipt at the gas pump? Am I afraid I’m gonna be asked to prove I paid for it?
This is the worst carnival ever. I can’t believe they blocked the street off for this.
Sir, this is a crime scene.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.