Met Office warns snow could cut off rural communities from the rest of the UK, coming as huge relief to people living in rural communities.
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I bet Jesus got tired of hearing, “This gift is for Christmas AND your birthday.”
Sometimes I shock myself with the smart shit that comes out of my mouth then other times I try to start the microwave with my debit card PIN
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
[phone rings]
Me: Hello?
My neighbor Ron: MY FAMILY WILL BE HERE IN TEN MINUTES AND I TOLD THEM I WAS RICH SO YOU HAVE TO GET OVER HERE AND PRETEND TO BE “PENNINGTON BUTTERFORD” MY LOYAL MANSERVANT AND OF COURSE YOU’LL HAVE TO COOK DINNER MY MOTHER LOVES ROAST PHEASANT GO GO GO
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Coworker: What book you reading there?
Me: ‘How To Kidnap A Coworker’
CW:…
Me: Not you, Karen. A pretty one.
Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley
Write a suicide note on Facebook and they try to talk you out of it.
Write a suicide note on Twitter and they correct your grammar.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
Him: how do want your coffee?
Me: like my soul
Him: *hands me an empty mug*
Me: touché
Guys love being called “daddy” until the pregnancy test comes back positive!! 😆😆
Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.
BEAR JESUS: *Emerges from cave after 3 days*
EVERYONE ELSE: This… this is not as impressive.
12: I can’t wait to be an adult.
Me: I can’t wait for you to find out how wrong you were about this.
[the beeping to remind me to put on my seatbelt finally gives up]
*looks at driving test instructor*
“finally”
Big things DO NOT always come in small packages!
I wish someone had told me the truth before I pounced on this adorable midget. Poor fella.
*quietly tries to open bag of chips while fiancé is reading her wedding vows*
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
my Face ID only recognizes me if I have a cookie in my mouth
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
Co-worker: *tells story*
Me: I’m so sorry to hear that.
CW: What? It’s not a bad story.
Me: No, I’m just really sorry I had to hear it.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Do I want to change career and uproot my entire life or is it just 6pm on a Sunday