My friend and I got the number off the pay phone outside the 7-11 you could see from her house and when people would walk by we’d call the phone and whoever had the longest conversation had to buy the other a Slurpee. Let’s just say I got a lot of free Slurpees that summer.
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These doctor forms keep asking how often I fall down…
…it’s like they’ve been tailing me.
When your relationship runs into a problem you can’t figure out, simply use BEDMAS to solve
Bacon
Eggs
Drinks
Meds
And
Sex
I’m not afraid of the Bermuda triangle or any triangle really. Even played at its most aggressive it’s just not a threatening instrument.
4 dentists: [coming out of the woods]
guy who saw them go in: hey weren’t there five of you
4 dentists: [in agreement] no
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
The hardest part of painting a nude self-portrait is having yourself over for drinks and convincing yourself to take off your clothes.
“I do law stuff” – attorney general
“I serve as the chief legal adviser to the Crown and the Government”
– attorney specific
this kid in kindergarten used to make fun of me all the time, then one day I couldn’t take it anymore so I ate all of his crayons while he was watching. I was so happy when he cried but I kinda regret it cause I ended up losing my teaching job
I just tried to start a camp fire and boy did my parents over estimate my skills to burn the house down
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[galileo’s wife walks in]
*quickly pointing the telescope from the neighbor’s window to the sky*
i was just studying the… phases of venus.
I was watching you while you slept. You look pretty stupid.
Terminator: Come with me if you want to live.
Me: No.
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
One day when my teenager was upset I said “It is what it is,” and now he says it to me every time I’m upset and, oh wow, it does not feel good
Me: What do you want for Christmas?
Him: You not telling me I did something wrong for a whole day.
Me: no. Think of something else.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I’ve been experimenting with breeding racing deer.
People have accused me of just trying to make a fast buck.
[grocery produce aisle]
ME: Hi, are these genetically modified carrots?
CLERK: No, why do you ask?
CARROT: Yeah, why do you ask?
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
[at hotel]
Friend: Heard your wife last night…she’s a screamer
[flashback to my toenail scratching her leg in bed]
Me: Yep, nailed her
Hi, I’m Tony. Voted “Most Likely To Become A Time Traveler” by the class of 2042.
If you watch Benjamin Buttons backwards it’s very confusing bc you can’t understand what people are saying
My daughter acts like she’s on the police hostage negotiation team anytime me or her mother goes to the bathroom & shuts the door.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Being a grammar perfectionist with big hamds and a small keyboard is the reason I have amger issues.
I understand that t-shirt guns exist but what about shooting pants at people? This seems useful too
My wife’s favorite position was cat style. She’d sit 3 feet away from me. No matter how many times I called her, she wouldn’t come near me
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.