All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
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[at a funeral home]
ME: One death please
A robot steals your job. It hurts, but that’s how the economy works. Nothing personal. The robot starts texting your wife.
I scare off men like I’m some kind of evil clown hiding in their closet.
“I’m not a clown!” I shouted as I sniffed his sweater vest.
We had 7 chocolates and 3 kids, so I ate 4 cause I am a problem solver.
😅🤣😂
As a girl who grew up with an annoying little sister the most unrealistic thing about Frozen is how Elsa never tried to kill Anna on purpose
Tech Twitter in a nutshell 😂😂😂
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Yesterday, I learned about a crypto trading hamster that’s beating the S&P 500 and Warren Buffett. I now own 63 hamsters.
I’m not saying it would kill me to work out, I’m just saying my wife bought me a gym membership and doubled my life insurance…
IF YOUR GIRLFRIEND ASKS IF YOU WOULD STILL LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM, JUST SAY YES. SHE WILL NEVER BE A WORM. YOU WILL NEVER ACTUALLY HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT. BUT YOU WILL HAVE TO DEAL WITH THE GIRLFRIEND WHO THINKS YOU WOULDN’T LOVE HER IF SHE WAS A WORM AND SHE IS MAD
No honey, I’m not going to “just lay around and watch football all day”. There’s basketball and golf on too.
My wife rearranged the kitchen cabinets and now I’ll never eat again
Transition lenses that keep getting darker the longer someone is talking to you.
I’ll wear a neckerchief but I’m not calling it that.
[runs to the door to greet wife]
I’m afraid there’s been a terrible accident involving all the things you asked me to do today.
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
ME: My new contacts are here!
WIFE: Don’t put them all on at once like you did last—
ME: [eyes wide] I CAN SEE YOUR BONES
Netflix suggested I watch my kids.
If you’re a parent don’t forget to set your clocks forward and then jump out the window.
I’m at that age where I’m not only invisible but people think my cart is haunted when I go grocery shopping
Nothing starts a conversation quite like wearing a tiara in Walmart.
The Human Body Is 90% Water, So Basically We’re Just Cucumbers With Anxiety” – Science Person
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
You can tell a lot about my BF by the way he’s giving me the silent treatment. He’s doing it wrong. I’m doing it right but can’t tell him.
There was a time, a new hip joint meant someplace I would go to on weekends.
why am i having trouble navigating this map??
No one believes you’re just hanging around in lingerie. Go put on an oversized T shirt and yoga pants like the rest of us.
GENIE: 3 wishes. But no extra wishes & no sex stuff
Me: why not?
GENIE: I make the rules
ME: I wish I made the rules
GENIE: …dammit
[date]
Me: ‘Don’t let her know ur a boxing ring announcer…’
Her: “Shall we order dessert?”
Me: “LET’S GET READY TO EAT APPLE CRUUUUMBLE!”