I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
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[interrogation]
“How do u kno the deceased?”
I was his drug dealer.
“Louder for the tape?”
[leans in]
I was his rug feeler. Tested his rugs.
“The three ingredients found in every kitchen.” This recipe is making some fancy assumptions about my kitchen.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
“That chicken died for you” – how I get my kids to eat chicken
There are two types of people. One who likes to clean well in advance of people coming over & one who likes stuffing shit chaotically in closets as guests walk through the door.
And they marry each other.
I guess someone’s New Year’s resolution was to crop dust me at the grocery store.
I bet the first person that “domesticated” a cat totally regretted it
Emoji: because sometimes a chicken, the Spanish flag, and a lesbian couple is the only way to express how you really feel.
I sexually identify as that one flickering letter on the neon motel sign.
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
Sorry I referred to your one-night-stand as “the nakey mistakey”.
Being a man in biblical times must’ve been hard. You’re busy then your wife says, “Someone parted the Red Sea & you’re here watching sheep.”
iPhone 8 is like your ex coming back after a year saying they changed, you give them another a chance and realize they’re basically the same
ME: Cant sleep. Theres too much going on in the world
MY WIFE: Whats bothering u?
ME: If Garfield didnt have a job, why did he hate Mondays?
Kids: *doing something they shouldn’t*
Me: Stop or I’ll be mad
Kids: *keep doing it*
Me: Stop or Mom will be mad
Kids:*stop immediately*
A table tale✨
#TheRingsOfPower
I saw nothing
that feeling when u realize u just ate 1/2 a sticker
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Sleep is the body’s best safety mechanism. It keeps you from screwing things up for 8 hours.
[Starts jogging]
Body: No.
him: *on one knee*
me: you disrespectful piece of–
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
Me: Now I am become death. The destroyer of worlds.
Him: Stop talking to your burrito and just eat it.
My 12 year old son is going to his first play with us tonight. I convinced him that everyone wears fanny packs to plays. We had to go buy him one at Walmart, but it will be worth it.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
In my opinion it’s the aborted fetus’ fault for not carrying a gun for protection
I will never understand the people who wait in a long line, finally arrive at the register and then act like they’ve been caught off guard by the requirement that they produce some form of currency for their purchase.
poor people: innuendo
rich people: hoteluendo