what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
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Her: Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
Me: Okay. When will that be?
Her: Oh, I don’t drink coffee.
If you crush Cheez-Its and snort them, they become Sneez-Its.
Jurassic Park III on AMC. 10 min. in, 2 young scientists studying dinosaur fossils. FOSSILS. Hey, ‘member how THERE ARE ALIVE DINOSAURS NOW?
Stonehinge
My 2yo kissed his piece of pizza before eating and honestly why isn’t that customary?
her: aww you’re a cat dad!!
me: yeah, part of me thinks cats ward off evil spirits or multidimensional beings
her: oh-
me: that’s probably why they kill so many birds
her: i… um…
me: and also they’re tiny lil angel babies
her: yay!!!
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
Why do I have to steal the Death Star plans?
Nothing this big stays secret.
Just Google them.
There’s probably a torrent somewhere.
4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg in, Put your right leg out, Put
-spider hokey pokey
i am fine with my casket + dead body being dug up by grave robbers as long as they do it in the style of an unboxing video
Hey, want to be best friends again?
-6, eyeing the birthday gifts that 4 just opened
Going to keep letting animals bite me until I get super powers.
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
You can have kids or you can always know where your scissors are.
You can’t have both.
You want me to work for exposure? The thing that killed everyone in Chernobyl?
Always hide you prescription bottles from your medicine cabinet so ppl don’t know how crazy you are. Also, you’re now out of xanax.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
*5.30 a.m.*
6: Mom, I’ve decided to make breakfast for everyone.
Me *groggily*: Oh, that’s sweet.
6: How many people live in our neighborhood?
Me: GO BACK TO BED!
My husband is in the other room explaining to the cat that even tho we are going to bed early, he (the cat) is welcome to stay up
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
An app that makes the sound of a door slamming when you hang up on someone who pissed you off.
Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
Who needs human contact when you can just cuddle a pile of clothes fresh out of the dryer
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.