Stock market update:
Last month 401 k
This month 401 not ok
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if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
If you love someone, let them sleep.
My husband still gets emotional every time he talks about how much he spent on a churro at Disney World.
Make her feel like she’s the only woman on earth. Because nothing makes women happier than feeling like all other women are dead.
There should be an energy drink named 6 AM toddler.
7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
My son made the mistake of telling me I was being overdramatic so I just changed the WiFi password.
We’ll see who’s overdramatic in about 2 minutes.
4-year-old: *puts on ballerina dress*
*puts on ballerina shoes*
*puts on ballerina tiara*
Me: Who are you supposed to be?
4: A ninja.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
Guy: Why does everyone call you “Gross Gary”?
Gary: [filling a canteen with hotdog water] Nobody calls me that.
Wearing a mask had been helpful as I’ve forgotten where I packed my nose hair trimmer.
Nothing matters anymore so let’s bring back choreographed handshakes from 90s sitcoms
Aquaman has to wait a half hour after eating before going on land.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
Help, I lost my voice. Is there an app that will yell at my kids for me?
ME: *so high I’m screaming*
WIFE: I told you to just call someone to clean the gutters!
WOLF: Hey, can I have a thing?
GOD: Sure, like what?
WOLF: I want to scream at the moon.
GOD: Not wings, or—
WOLF: No.
GOD: But you cou—
WOLF: Scream. At. Moon.
Can’t. Growing Yosemite Sam moustache.
Me:Everything you know about me is a lie.Coworker:So you didnt dance naked in the fountain at the mall?Me: Everything other than that.
The lady walking ahead of me sped up so I did, she began running so I did, she screamed so I did. I never even saw what we were running from
Me: lets go on a date
Her: umm
Me: what could go wrong
*25 minutes later we are being chased by a pack of raccoons*
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
This is the goat we had on our business update meeting last week 👀
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
{Pixar Meet & Greet}
Buzz Lightyear: I’m a talking toy
Dory: I’m a talking fish
Lightning McQueen: I’m a talking car
Guy from UP: My wife died
Everyone:
Dory: I’m a talking fish
me at 18: i have hundreds of friends i could ask to hang out with me tonight
me now: maybe the weird dude who spit on me on the train this morning would like to be the best man at my wedding
A family that plays together cheats.
Be careful insulting me. Two and a half weeks later I will come back with a burn that will leave you REELING
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Want to talk trash? Recycle.