ME: Tell me my future.
PALM READER: I see you going to prison for murder.
ME: Hah! Shows what you know! This isn’t even MY palm!
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I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
Show me someone who doesn’t talk back to the TV and I’ll show you someone who doesn’t watch sports or the news.
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
When your mom is a nurse and your sister is a nurse, road trips begin with a minimum one hour of trading disgusting medical horror stories. And then we stop for breakfast.
Straight friend: Will you sensitivity read my book for my lesbian best friend character?
Me, two weeks later: The lesbian best friend is absolutely perfect. Here’s 16 pages of notes detailing the incorrect things you said about Star Trek.
*locates the item I was looking for in the process of blaming someone else
Just saved my overly curious wife from the US Government right as she was about to Google “where do cannibals get their meat?”
*buys condoms* So I just eat these and it traps the baby?
“Dad, what should I do if a strange man in a white van with no windows offers me candy?”
“Make sure you grab me a Snickers and a Reese’s cup.
One of my exes left me bcuz, according to her, I’ll never amount to anything. 15 years later & let me just say this… Lucky guess.
A baby stroller, but just to take my snacks with me.
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
I can’t tell the difference between large, extra large and jumbo eggs. There, I said it.
When you’re bad at swearing but you’re trying to threaten someone:
Gentle parenting is making sure your kids can’t hear what you say when you’re peeling a mango.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
911: What is your emergency?
Me: I love you.911: Hang up.
Me: No you hang up.911: Stop.
Me: This is so us.
Just heard that May is mental health month. Where do I go to pick up my supply?
If Wile E. Coyote really wanted to destroy the Road Runner, he should have just proposed.
My wife teaches high school math and half of her time is spent just making sure that none of the math problems she gives to the kids end up with an answer of 69 or 420
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
Strength training is a great form of anger management cause I can’t scream and yell when I have an injured back!
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
JUDGE: I order you to pay $10,000 – do you understand?
MARIO:
JUDGE: it’s a fine
MARIO [sadly]: no itsa not