Girl: Cute dog
Me: Thanks he’s my therapy dog
Dog: *taking notes* possessive and codependent
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establish dominance at a funeral by crying first
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
Dear chapsticks that keep getting lost,
Take me with you.
The dog hair situation became dire and I had to lint-roll my face.
[take your kid to work day]
COWORKER: is this your son steven?
ME: actually it’s stephen
COWORKER: oh okay. how old is he?
ME: sephen
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Mark my words, but use something erasable cause I change my mind a lot.
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
They say you should do at least one thing each day that frightens you. Today that will be laundry.
Machine uprising? Ha! What can they do? Toaster gonna burn my bagel? Vending machine gonna steal my money?
Like they do now… Holy shit.
Not sure why I drink anymore..I get the same effect from standing up too fast.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
I was a fantastic parent right up until I had kids of my own.
5-year-old at recess: “My throat feels like sticks are stuck in it.”
Me: “Do you think you’re getting sick?”
5-year-old: “Yes. Also, I just ate some mulch.”
Weird old lady in the elevator complimented my thongs. I was disgusted. Hours later that I realized she was talking about my sandals.
Me: Just once?
Dog:
Me: Please?
Dog:
Me: Say, “I’m a law-biting citizen”
Dog: That’s not water in your cup, is it?
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
Are chicken nuggets an emotion because i feel very chicken nuggets right now
Today we pretended we were dining out and it felt so real because right after the first bite my kids decided to go potty
*hears your text message notification beep*
*constantly imitates it so you check your phone for no reason*
[school]
TEACHER: how was your summer?STUDENT: great, I grew a foot
TEACHER: that’s cool, can I see it?
Pinterest recipe so long that it’s now a limited series on Netflix.
If Twitter was a restaurant it would be Five Reply Guys
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
fridge ice dispenser: *10 minutes of grumbling sounds* fine you can have ONE!
Boss: This is the 3rd time I’ve seen you slacking off today. Do you know what that means?
Me: You want me to move the couch into my office?
I found some pot in my son’s room. Has anyone noticed how odd the word s-p-a-t-u-l-a sounds when you keep saying it over and over?
[sitting around a bonfire]
Friend: This is so peaceful
My wife watching me slowly pull out a harmonica from the top pocket of my shirt, “No.”