WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
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I took your advice and worked smarter not harder. Now I’m going to need your advice on a good lawyer.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
Steve Austin: nice to meet you
Medusa: the pleasure is mine
Stone Cold Steve Austin:
@NoogsCorner
Sub-Zero: Ok fineScorpion: Give me a hug
Sub-Zero: Umm no..
Scorpion: GET OVER HERE
If you ever need to wake my wife from a coma, just set your drink on the coffee table without a coaster.
Rise and shine, let us get back to normal life today 😂😂😂
one time I saw a doc RUNNING in the hospital and I was like omg what’s the emergency and they were like DIARRHEA and I was like omg who and they were like ME
I bought a smart light switch but was regularly getting outwitted, so swapped it for a dimmer switch.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
I bet the skeletons, in my gay coworker’s closet, are having a dress up party with fabulous clothes.
me: this hotel is $100 per night?
clerk: that’s right
me: how much for just one room
This chic on Facebook said she ran 17 miles yesterday. Where I live the police would have gave up after like, IDK, 6 miles maybe.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
My coworker used to joke “I’m allergic to most nuts, but not donuts!”. Until Bill brought in peanut butter donuts. He died in the ambulance.
What did Peter Lorre do to piss off cartoonists so much, my god
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
*ties husband’s hands to headboard*
*turns out lights*
*opens laptop*“Welcome to my PowerPoint presentation ‘Curtains: How About These?'”
A: Just had to explain the difference between “mute” and “moot” to a younger co-worker.
Q: Why am I drinking out of a flask at work?
Welcome to your 50’s… you can now fall asleep sitting up on the couch at any given moment.
Putting some of my hairs on the cat, just to even things out.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
I have two options:
1) go and pick up my son from after school club and get absolutely soaked in the rain.
2) leave him there for the weekend.
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
*finds sheet of bubble wrap in drawer*
Hmm…
*presses intercom button*
Janet? Cancel my appointments today. Something important just came up.
North and South
me: wow, so many robins! what a good omen
also me: there are robins everywhere, it’s not a sign
also also me: you can both be right!
fourth me: you guys talk too much
Waiter: Can I get you a drink and would you like an appetizer?
Me: Woah! What’s with all the questions?