Giving someone the finger while driving used to mean a lot more when you had to manually roll your window down to do it
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
My niece asked me to unlock my phone so she could watch cartoon on my phone, I didn’t answer her, next thing she took my phone out of the room and I was looking for her. Just guess where I found this babe? In front of our family portrait, trying to unlock my phone with my picture
Whenever I’m feeling down on a Sunday night, I unblock my mom on Facebook as a reminder that shit could be worse.
COP: PUT YOUR HANDS UP
OCTOPUS: They’re tentacles
COP: OK PUT ALL 8 TENTACLES UP
OCTOPUS: Two are my legs, dude
COP: Just go. I give up.
*sees a woman struggling with a big suitcase up the stairs*
Me: Need help with that?
Her: Yeah!
Me: *gives her a hug* You got this, girl.
If the aliens turn hostile, McDonalds Sprite may be our last line of defense.
My therapist doesn’t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
Why yes, person on the Internet, I would love to make $596 per day sitting at home. Let’s do this!!!
Lube but for my dry humor.
Those 3 little letters that mean so much: PTO
Its a hippotatomus
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
Going to find a way to reprogram my Alexa so everytime my kids ask it a question it responds with “I don’t know go ask your mother”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
ME: [throws bouquet]
FLORIST: i asked you not to do that
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
My wife tried on my cargo shorts and now they have fake pockets.
You sure about that?
If someone shows up at my house unannounced, I won’t open the door.
I just stand on the other side of the glass shaking my head no.
The forecast isn’t calling for rain so I’m just going to wash my car to prove the weatherman wrong
Of course I’ll buy a harmonica for a 3 year old. He doesn’t live with me
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
Oh, I see you’re an extrovert. Sorry, we can’t be friends. I already have a friend who’s an extrovert. One of you is enough.
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
I’m not saying iPhone’s are overpriced, but with the money I saved by buying an Android, I bought a Tesla, a Rolex and a trip to Hawaii.
Leia: This is romantic
Han: I know
Chewie: Rwwar
Leia: Does he have to be here?
Han: It’s a life debt. You’re basically marrying us both
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
Unpopular opinion: I don’t like that country song about that road.
Just heard my son say to his friend “you’re probably dumber than your own controller” – what kind of child is my Xbox raising?!
I have pepper spray and I’m not afraid to use it.
*rifles around in purse* No, that’s not it. Hold on. Can you hold this?
*hands murderer a crumpled wad of CVS receipts*
I had it right here. Maybe in the zipper part? Goddamn, why is this sock here — okay, wait —
Murderer: