It’s not just sex, I’d love to get to know you better. For example, tell me how you’d like to go home, bus or taxi?
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Days without shaking my head disapprovingly at myself: 0
I’ve never texted someone to let them know I made it home safe. Shoulda come with me if you wanted details
I’m not embarrassed.
I order my gingerbread latte LIKE A GOD DAMN MAN.
(I send my wife into Starbucks while I sit shamefully in the car.)
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
Imagine the conversations between
the fly on the wall and the elephant
in the room after everyone leaves.
Amazon Review: Fine tooth comb
★ ☆ ☆ ☆ ☆
Comb doesn’t work. My teeth are still messed up. One star.
Who decided that the abbreviation for pound should be two letters it doesn’t contain?
Music Party with the wee ones
Me: bet you girls didn’t know I could dance.
5yo: I’ll get you a Band-Aid
My mom asked why I work out so much. I told her it’s to look good for nude laser tag season.
I’m thinking she’s never asking that again.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
I’m always a stone’s throw away from my children. I have the forehead bruise to prove it.
Didn’t realize I was playing kitchen jenga until I went to get a Tupperware from the middle & an avalanche of Tupperwares came flying at me 🙁
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
all pants are breakaway pants if you’re angry enough
“There’s no reason to be on Twitter anymore.”
*Every other site goes down*
“Guess who’s back…back again.”
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
Haiku is a cross
between poetry and math.
Satan’s handiwork.
DID YOU KNOW: If every person on the planet lined up along the Earth’s equator, most of them would drown.
the 1 thing i ask in life is for someone to use my bathroom and come out and say “wow that is the cleanest toliet I’ve ever seen”
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Just got off the phone with my mom.
She had a good chat.Unrelated, there are 1273 Cheerios left in this box.
It’s amazing that a microscopic sperm colliding with a microscopic egg could create something so stupid
On the whole, people are getting smarter. I remember when they had to put “The End” on the screen, so people would know the movie was over.
the world is kind of a disaster anyways let’s do a Jurassic park, dinosaurs deserve another go
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
*aggressively pronounces luncheon like lunch-ee-own*
Proctology is located in A55