2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
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*In the elevator*
Guy: Good morning ladies. You two going down?
Me: No. We’re just friends
Guy: ….
My 6-year-old is always asking me about how I got bitten by a bear when I stuck my hand in a bear cage as a little girl and it becomes increasingly embarrassing to correct him every time and say that I was in fact a big girl.
Adult. I was an adult.
Sorry, the dog stood on my keyboard and liked that Instagram photo of you from 47 weeks ago.
DINOSAUR PARTY
TRICERATOPS: GROUP SELFIE!!
*hands phone to T-RexT-REX: Still not funny you guys. Not. Funny.
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Person: I’m a spelling bee champion.
Me: Bee isn’t that hard to spell.
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
my boss: due to coronavirus, we will be making all meetings remote
me: [sensing opportunity] what if we didn’t have them at all, to be safe
MAKE Easter easier by replacing the ‘t’ with an ‘i’.
I triple waxed for this?
I see dead people. Although according to the charge sheet, the law refers to it as necrophilia.
I tried to explain Twitter to my Mom and she said, “Sounds like group therapy where no one ever gets better”.
Screw you haters who are honking at me as I tweet, paint my nails, and drive. You’re just jealous that I can multitask.
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
[Job Interview]
Sir, it says here you’re part of a small group of criminals that primarily kills interviewersoohhhhmygod
Friend: “Dude, me & my girlfriend are getting married.”
ME: “Wow! when?”
Friend: “Me on 27th April and she on 14th June.”
Men with salt and pepper hair and healthy self-care habits will do that thing you like*
*Remind you to drink water.
i wish it was legal to speak up during a haircut if theyre doing something you dont want. sadly you just have to sit there
I turn 30 in like 4 and a half hours…
I always said I’d retire from comedy if I hadn’t “made it” by 30.
…So I’ve got like 4 hours left
Appliance salesman: *slaps roof of microwave*
this bad boy can fit so many waves in it
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
Boy. A zombie outbreak sure could get a solid foothold on a day like today, with all this tomfoolery and whatnot. Be safe out there, guys.
women dont read this…
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…ok, guys, theyre hiding a product called “dry shampoo” from us
Today, after my mom got vaccinated, she insisted on 8 gallons of pistachio ice cream. Who’s the kid now?
My mom sent me a text message so long I had to refill my adderall prescription to read it
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
“if you could be any animal what would you be”
a cat
“why a cat”
[imagines being a complete shithead for literally no reason]
naps and stuff
I’ll pleasure you in ways you never thought possible like vacuuming and doing dishes
Before Instagram:
Omg you should have seen how the parsley was placed to the left of my grilled chicken thigh
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911