My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
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Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.
[Meeting friends baby]
Me: [bouncing him on my knee] he’s a big boy isn’t he
Friend: yeah he was 11 pounds
Me: wow that’s cheap
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
Anyone who says time flies, has obviously never been on a treadmill.
I gotta work hard because my feet pics are unsellable
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
More than once I’ve clicked on an ad for clothing that turned out to be for a toddler.
My relationship with tea has always been strained.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
Amazon Prime: Free 2-Day shipping
Amazon Subprime: Loads package into trebuchet and shoots it in the general direction of your house
Amazon PrimePrime: Lets you live in the warehouse
[first date]
HER: I really like a man who notices things.
ME: [trying to impress] Your eyebrows make you look like an Angry Bird.
Instead of walking faster when someone holds a door open for me, I slow down to test their door holding resolve.
Elderly waiter: Would you like a doggy bag?
5yo: Why is he trying to give you poop?
Dude, I’d love to go out with you, but this one person 80s dance party in my living room isn’t going to host itself.
If you don’t think monkeys are adorable, then you can suck macaque.
There are two types of people in the world, those who sweat when eating spicy food and those whose nose drips when eating spicy food.
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
.@WebMD Should blood basically be cascading out of my nose when I look at the sun ?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
You could never commit the JFK assassination today. You’d be cancelled
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
PMS: Your eyes look empty.
ME: I feel great.
PMS: Better put mascara on.
ME: To look pretty?
PMS: To look crazy when I make you cry.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
GUY: how’s it going?
ME [scraping the ‘us’ off my Prius]: well it’s not going great, Ron
I have AirPods now, the next step is somehow staying rich and staying humble
I don’t want well-wishes for international women’s day, I want a dragon.
Me: <throws caution to the wind>
Also Me: <panics and gathers up as many pieces of caution as possible before they scatter>
Indiana Jones And The Two Dudes Who Lost Their Cars.