[Spills wine]
“My medicine!!”
You Might Also Like
[Frankenstein Castle]
MAMA: You need to make more friends
VICTOR: Fine…
{later}
MAMA: I should have been more specific
Your perfume/cologne should reward someone for getting close, not punish them for being in the same building.
An example of men’s inability to understand women – Me: I have Nothing To Wear!! Him: Awesome!
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
Marriage goals: I will die of mysterious causes & you will be the most feared widow in the village.
*tunnels out of prison cell, pops up in the warden’s office in an entirely different prison*
aw come ON
Broke my make-up mirror this morning.
I thought people would say 7 yrs of bad luck but mostly it’s been, “Your eyeliner is really crooked.”
Yes, Karen, I know that exercise is a great stress reliever. I’ll have you know that I power walked to the freezer aisle in the store to get this ice cream before they closed.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
From now on when you see me use the word “variants” know that I’m referring to my children.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
My wife must have some big surprise vacation planned.
She left a note by the bed telling me I had until tomorrow to have my bags packed.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
I don’t even have a theory where Malaysia is.
me other days of the year: amazon is evil
me on prime day: holy shit 70% off??
When I was little, I once said that my dad could run faster than ketchup coming out of a bottle.
[in restaurant]
“Waiter, I’d like the soup please. What is it?”
“Well, it’s sort of like a drink but with lumps in it”.
Me: Can you hear me?
Ouija board: Y-E-S
Me: Is it hard to hear me with all the updog?
Ouija board: I-W-I-L-L-M-U-R-D-E
He who understands women, dies under mysterious circumstances…
me wanting to be loved vs. the mortifying ordeal of being known
why they call it sex on the beach and not wavy lays
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
*Buys 15 feet of bubble wrap*
Cashier: “Are you moving?”
Me: “No, why?”
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Clown: *twisting balloon* any requests?
Me: how about a dog
Clown: one dog coming up
Stranger: THE GATES OF HELL HAVE OPENED! THE ARMIES OF THE DAMNED ARE UPON US!
Clown: *stops twisting*
Me: ok a sword I guess
[Shopping with $100]
As a child: Look at how much stuff I can buy!
As an adult: Why is this bath towel $15?
Ancient Greek mathematician Archimedes is known as the Father of Math, or as I like to call him, Math Daddy.
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit