you know that voice in your head that tells you right from wrong? I think mine is like a frustrated Escape Room employee who’s watching me try to climb thru a roof tile because I refuse to comprehend clues correctly
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“I am ahead of lettuce”
[I am fleeing from a terrible monster; a vegetable no human can hope to overcome]“I am a head of lettuce”
[I have become the monster; that which I once strove to destroy]
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
evil queen: would you like an apple?
me [is snow white]: nah not really
evil queen: but it’s a magic wishing apple!
me: meh, even so
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Just heard a coworker say “yeah they’re trying to live bicuriously through their children”
Are you a sane person, or did you just ask a mannequin for directions to another department?
Told my 10 y/o daughter that even though I got a big promotion at work my most important job is still just being her dad and she said, “that’s nice” and asked me to get her a glass of water.
ME: if you’re under my roof you follow my rules
SON: fine
ME: well?
SON: *sighs* a ninja turtle could beat up a transformer
ME: thank you
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
I hate that when something is difficult, people say “it’s no picnic,” as if picnics are just some walk in the park.
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
Fact: There comes a point in every man’s life that he regrets teaching his son about triple dog dares.
The inventor of the wooden spoon: this will change cooking forever
Italian Mothers: I can’t wait to hit my kids with this
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
“By night’s end, one of these teams will be the victor.” Thank you for that breakdown, Bob Costas. I was worried they might all die instead.
She said “stay up, imma call you”.
i’ve been awake for 4 days
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Exercise makes you look better naked. But so does whiskey, it’s your choice.
The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
Officer pulled me over & asked if I knew what the speed limit was, like I’m getting paid to tell him his job.
Don’t we all.
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
Me: Sir, hi there, can you please help me with my baggage? *holds out two dollars*
Therapist: that’s not how this works