Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
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wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Leg day is just a fake day invented by Big Leg to sell more leg
[1st day as lifeguard]
Guy: there’s someone drowning in the water
Me [not looking up from phone]: well it’d be hard to drown in the sand
My grandma & grandpa’s double headstone reads “I tried” and “No you didn’t”
After handing a girl my mixtape I asked her if she was ready for TOTAL AURAL SATISFACTION not realizing what it had sounded like.
5 year old niece to me: What do you want to be when you grow up?
Me: Let’s not rush things, OK?
{on a hike}
8yo:What kind of flower is that?
Me:Its a wildflower.
8yo: what makes it a wildflower?
Me:the tramp stamp on its lower back.
I saw some martial arts guy on TV do one of those spinning kick things and, honestly, it looked pretty easy.
What I’m trying to say is I need an ambulance.
Overheard at work:
Mom to her little daughter: “what’s that in your hair? Is that a piece of chicken nugget??”
Little girl, very excitedly: “YEAH!”
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
*grammar police reads ransom note*
“Bring the money hear in too days, or she dead”
*grammar cop dies*
“Damn, he had 2 days until retirement”
Not all crimes are bad. For example: If there was a crow sized hole in a bank vault & a crow decided to sneak into the vault to bring me a shiny coin, every day, for years… This would be good actually.
Relationship status: My wife calls me her chauffeur because I drive her nuts…
I am, perchance
My wife does this cute thing now & then where she goes out shopping for next years yard sale items.
I burn microwave popcorn in the break room at work to get back at those who always warm up fish leftovers
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
My favorite game with the kids is one where I play dead until they go around to their dad’s side of the bed and wake him up.
Mother’s Day is like the Purge for moms. We can literally do whatever we want for 24 hours.
if ghosts r real why are there no dinosaur ghosts? think about that, but u won’t bc i just blew your mind with something called logic, idiot
no, autocorrect, i am not searching for dishwasher safe Tupperware kids
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
I shoulda been an air conditioner cause all I do is vent.
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
Remember, if you get dumped, it’s only because they’re looking for someone sexier and more attractive. It has NOTHING to do with you.
BROTHER: The Godfather is on? That’s not very Thanksgiving-y.
ME: Well, it’s about family…
scientist: the universe is 14 billion yrs old
me: i believe it
waiter: this plate is hot
me: yeah right *touches it*