Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
You Might Also Like
Duck Dynasty guy is right– if we baptize all those ISIS guys, Iraq will be safe because Christians never start wars for bullshit reasons.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.
If two people meet and wind up in the bedroom and discover they’re both doms, do they just fight to the death?
*first date*
Haha yeah I’m a pretty laid back guy*third date*
AnD THAT IS WHY YOU’RE WRONG ABOUT DONKEYS MOTIVATIONS IN SHREK.. figHT ME AMANDA
Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
my girlfriend sold her prized barbie toy collection to get me a ticket to oppenheimer this weekend. and i sold my supply of highly enriched uranium to get her a ticket to the barbie movie 😔
*watching TV*
*pours bowl of Grape-Nuts*
*turns on closed captions*
You people that are getting laid regularly either need to keep that stuff to yourselves or be more descriptive.
My kid sneezes and if you aren’t quick enough with “bless you” he says, “don’t worry I’m okay” in the most condescending tone ever uttered by a 2 year old
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
[First date after divorce]
Me: I’m gonna need to see your medical records.
I want you to drag me to the bedroom, softly lay me down, & kiss my neck. Now go clean the house while I take a nap.
Me: Footlong
Subway sandwich artist: White or wheat?
Me: Cookie
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
They should get rid of red light cameras and replace them with big walls that pop up at the intersection that you slam into if you run the light
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
side view mirror: be careful that car on your right is pretty close
me: it’s fine there’s room
side view mirror: IT’S PRACTICALLY INSIDE YOU
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
IF YOU CHOOSE NOT TO DECIDE, YOU STILL HAVE MADE A CHOICE is something I like to shout at people who hold up the line at Taco Bell.
My car is not officially locked until I hear the horn beep 86 times.
Don’t worry, men. Women can’t tell women to calm down either.
Anyone who wants to learn how to be humble, feel free to talk to me. There’s nothing like learning from the best.
Hate it when dudes say “leave something to the imagination!” like what do you think is under my clothes? a mystery prize? a pumpkin? Obama?
They’re the worst 😩
No smoking? Really? You’re gonna let a fuel delivery system tell you what to do
No one has a bigger death wish than a 10yo spying on her older sister while her sister is talking to a boy.
Always stand up for what you believe in, unless what you believe in is sitting down.
Paramedic: sir, blink twice if you can hear me
Me:
Wife: try again. I bet he can hear you, he’s just not listening