Parenting is playing hide and seek with your kids but never trying to find them because you enjoy the downtime
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It’s amazing how people will leave you alone if you just commit to faking a British accent all day
Odd – my boss told me to meet him at the abandoned quarry at midnight for my performance evaluation
Lego: Build your own goddamn toys.
I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
Her: Welcome to McDonalds sir, may I take your order?
Me: *hands her a shovel with mouth agape* ALL. THE. FRIES.
You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
There’s nothing I’ve learned from being a father that I couldn’t just as easily have figured out from setting all my money on fire.
Hey whatcha eating?
“A pluot”
Wtf is a pluot?
“A cross between a plum & an apricot”
That’s really stupid.
*rides off on a liger*
[Jesus at Last Supper]
*breaks bread* This is my body
*pours wine* This is my blood
*opens jar of mayo*
Judas: I’m gonna stop u right there
under no circumstances will my brother take the L
What is it about a freshly scrubbed toilet that activates my bowels!?
A woman’s asshole is like a 9 volt battery. You know you shouldn’t, but sooner or later you’re gonna put your tongue on it.
Springtime ants in the kitchen. Go get mother her killing flip flop.
All-day Christmas music at work, day 4:
Just Googled “Candy cane prison shank”
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
Picture me naked.
Wrong.
More plates of nachos stacked around me.
*Attempts to give a Homeless guy change*
Him: Thanks. You never know, one day my situation might be you.
Me: Really? *holds on to change*
Me: I spent HALF as much as YOU usually do on groceries.
Wife: Congratulations.
[2 hours later]
Me: We have nothing to eat in this house.
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
Interviewer: I want to ask you a question, and your answer must be quick.
Me: Okay.
Interviewer: 12 + 37 = ?
Me: Quick
Buzzfeed writer wanted. Must love current events, pop culture and have a Bachelor’s degree and a history of head injuries.
I haven’t ordered anything from Amazon in a week, and they just sent local law enforcement by the house to do a welfare check.
Bartender: Hey! What’s new?
Me: Well, my girlfriend’s pregnant.
B: Congratulations!
M: Yeah.
B: What’s wrong?
M: My wife is SUPER pissed.
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
і wіsh you could doordash people knuckle sandwіches
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Ffs 🤦♀️ I forgot to get skinny for the summer again
TV is so unrealistic. Friends drop by unannounced and people are happy to see them