your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
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Your 20s: I will strive for goodness and peace in this troubled world.
Your 40s: Every single chair is terrible.
If you watch Home Alone backwards it鈥檚 a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
“Good choices” – guy at the liquor store
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
Boomer: I got this toy when I was 6. I didn’t open it. Now it’s worth $1000!
Millennial: I put a film of me opening a shoe box on YouTube. Now I’m a millionnaire
Don’t just lay there… Move! Bounce! Do something!!
~ me, pleading with my hair
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
A good way to make friends is to crawl under the bathroom stall quickly before they can get away
me: I’d like to withdraw 100K
banker: from which account
me: like whoever has the most
TRUMP: I don’t have a subpoena. I have a very huge poena.
It鈥檚 never too late to accomplish things you never thought you could. I鈥檓 46 years old and just set a personal record for vertical leap when I saw my own reflection in the mirror and jumped like a cat
Put your address and social security number into the GIF search then mail me your house keys to find your rapper name
restaurant manager: how is everything tasting?
me: [nibbling on candlestick] delicious
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
Once my wife asked me to tell her a story that would put her asleep, so I said “let’s talk about the history of operating systems.”
The exasperated gasp and nearly audible eye-roll told me I was on the right track! 馃槣
Interviewer: It says here you have advanced math skills. How many times have you used them at work?
Me: *holds up fingers* This many.
Officer, I know I was speeding, but you have to let me go. I’m running late to a concert and I’m the guy who brings the giant beach ball.
My confessional is just a list of things I鈥檓 willing to do for cheese
Billion dollar idea: An app that sends you a text when the light turns green.
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
be careful when u talk baby talk to a baby becuase if u dont understand what ur saying u may acidentaly be declaring war in baby langauge
Me: I hope you don鈥檛 mind that I got a dog for our son.
Wife: Of course not, where is he?
Me: I just told you.
BOSS: How鈥檚 the project going?
ME: It鈥檚 going okay.
BOSS: Are you worried it won鈥檛 be done in time?
ME: I鈥檓 not worried at all.
BOSS: Good.
ME: It absolutely won鈥檛 be done in time.
My daughter says she saw a demon in her room. I’m tweeting this from the safety of my office wishing her a lot of luck.
Are you even a person if you were born in a generation that isn鈥檛 named after a letter?
If inmates can pen pal their way into marriage, then there’s still hope for most of you.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.