Crucifixion art is so depressing. Every time I look at Jesus, I can’t help thinking…I’ll never have abs like that.
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Been running on this treadmill for three hours but the timer says 16 minutes
[phone makes noise]
[gets giddy about how popular I’m about to feel]Oh. It’s an email about car insurance.
[quietly dies a little inside]
Dude just told me that he’s washing his hands more because of that “Coca-Cola virus.”
the British: we demand to be taken seriously
also the British: I nipped down to Boggy Bottom and split a toad-in-the-hole with Mr Pumblychook
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
Just bought a 2013 calender, a rope and a stool. I like to keep the store clerk guessing.
What is the difference between a girl and a pool table?
You have a shot with a pool table.
[inventing jogging]
how can i suffer but with music
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
boss: i need u to reschedule our meeting to 10am
me: [reschedules meeting to 10am]
boss: [declines]
[being murdered by cows]
more like (finger quotes) “moodered” amirite
[the other farm animals immediately join in, even some corn is mad]
ohhhhhh today’s Friday the 13th, that explains the last two years
Stranger: ma’am do you need medical assistance?
Me: IT’S BEEN A WHILE SINCE I WORE HEELS OK?
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I’d probably be on time more often if I had an alarm clock that yelled, “Pancakes are ready!”
Me: Do you like my novel?
Publisher: it’s a tree
Me: I told you it was in the early stages
We should have burned social media to the ground when they started helping us reconnect with old friends
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
[bank]
me: this is a stick up!
bank teller: [whispering] turn the gun around
me: what? omg i’m so embarrassed
bank teller: lol first time?
me: is it that obvious?
bank teller: you’re doing great sweetie
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
Welcome to your 40’s. Right after you’re done peeing, you feel like you need to pee.
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people
*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”
I was playing pirates with my 4yo and it was so cute when he found the treasure. I almost felt bad taking it from him, but I did what I had to do. Because pirates.
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
He died doing what he loved
smelling things underwater
DON’T STOP BELIEVING!
…..but feel free to be somewhat skeptical from time-to-time
When I was in 1st or 2nd grade my teacher once incorrectly marked that I had misspelled the word “weird” on some schoolwork. Rather than looking it up in the dictionary to prove I was right, my parents had me bring in this coffeetable book of pulp magazine covers to show her.
Yeah, I know what my neighbors wear to bed. Not because I look in their windows; I just see them during the day at Walmart.