PRIEST: Is there any reason these two shouldn’t be wed?
ME: *from the back* SHE HOLDS ONTO CHECKS FOR MONTHS & THEN CASHES THEM UNEXPECTEDLY
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Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
Why be content with those 3 little words when you can have 6.
“Your parcel is out for delivery.”
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
If you kill a spider you’re brave but if you kill a person you’re a monster, I’m really tired of these double standards
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
“How old are you? Wow, that’s really weird. That seems too young to be a bitch”
Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
I was really excited about my first Roomba fitness class last night. Not what I expected. Kinda sucked tbh.
i’m left-handed but sometimes i like to switch hands and do things with my right hand just to see what it’s like to work like a robot
7: there were 5 cupcakes when I left and now there are 3. Did you eat 2?!
Me: suddenly now you can do math
I tried saving a cat in a tree but the darn thing wouldn’t accept Jesus.
Remember when we wished we could read people’s minds? Social media has shown just how shitty that power is.
Why an exclamation point after “R.I.P.”? You don’t need to shout.
They’re dead.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
“2! 4! 6! 8! Who do we appreciate?
Nobody!!!! Hahahahahaha!”
-Teenagers
“Why have a ballroom, with no Balls?”
-Disney’s Frozen
I paused the movie to tweet this…
Black Friday through the years:
2005: 5am
2010: 3am
2012: 12am
2013: Thursday 8pm
2014: Thursday
2020: 4th of July
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
Her: I have butterflies in my stomach
Me (trying to impress): My skull is full of wasps
My teen doesn’t like how her sister cleaned the bathroom and told her to do it again, so I’m like who died and made you boss?
You can always predict what antigay protesters will say. But never how they’ll spell it.
I bet Harvard is pretty pissed it doesn’t have a comma named after it.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
*pees on all the jellyfish on the beach preventatively*
There’s a washer, a dryer but not a folder.
Reality show idea: an aggressive, Gordon Ramsay-esque plant expert goes to the homes of black thumbed individuals & insults them & flips over pots of soil & comes back 3 months later to see if they have made any plant progress.