I think it’s time I find myself a new inspiration, asking myself “what would Batman do?” gets me in too much trouble
You Might Also Like
things are bad enough, today i’m playing goodminton
My daughter waking me up at 6:30am to straighten her hair for her, and then her climbing back into bed and going back to sleep, is my villain origin story.
” Why of course I would like to stop in the middle of this huge task I’m doing to look at pictures of everyone in your huge family opening christmas presents colleague that I barely know”
“You say you like intelligent men? Then look no further! Line forms to the….”
*Checks soles of both my shoes*
“….left, ladies.”
When people ask, “Don’t I know you from somewhere?”, I reply “Yes, we were best friends as children until you murdered my puppy.”
I dropped my bowl of SpaghettiOs and it spelled ‘oooooooo’ on the floor. Spooky
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
Previously On Persistence 😎
*My kids are fighting*
9yo: You’re acting like a baby !
6yo: And you’re acting like dad !
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
Ostrich: OMG SOMEONE KILLED MY DAD
PLS HELP HE’S BEEN DECAPI- …wait911: *sigh* did he have –
Ostrich: he had his head in the sand again
Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
Covid has fully convinced me that we would still be working during a zombie apocalypse
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
ALL THE JADED LADIES
all the jaded ladies
I always take the high road, because the colors are more psychedelic and sometimes you see a unicorn.
I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
my niece is 6 and she hates wearing jeans because she hates the zippers and how they scrunch up. but she doesn’t call them jeans, she calls them “weiner pants” and i wish i didn’t find that out as she yelled it in the store.
I’m sick of people not taking me seriously *Throws jester hat down in disgust*
Hello lamppost, whatcha knowin’? I come to watc–
Lamppost: Nice scarf princess.
My cat likes to trampoline on my bladder if I don’t feed him. He knows just the spot that will get me leaping out of bed at 5 or 6 am.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
You say “Are you ok?” but I know you really mean “Stop coughing.”
my four year old daughter is calling geese “honkeys” and I should probably correct her but I won’t
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Everybody: Pink starbursts are the best starbursts
Starburst Corporate: What I’m hearing is that the bag should be half yellow starbursts
When a billionaire dies, who inherits their senators?
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.