ME: [in front of mirror] Bloody Mary Bloody Mary Bloody Mary
*Bloody Mary appears*
ME: I’m moving today and need your help
BLOODY MARY: Shit
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Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.
📸: @thesproutingsunflower
IF YOU CANNOT HANDLE ME AT MY WORST THAT IS FINE I AM A TERRIFYING AND POWERFUL THING AND ALL SHOULD LIVE IN FEAR
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
My toddler is holding a calculator and shouting things at me I don’t understand. I feel like I’m back in my college math class.
To me, the worst part of the prostate exam is when the doctor says, “Guess how many fingers.”
I just want the confidence of a kohl’s cashier asking people if they’d like to save 35% off their total purchase by opening a kohl’s charge when said total is only $3.25…….
Nice try Mormons moms, but no amount of propaganda could trick me into being a good wife!
If you take your teddy bear into the woods you’re not allowed to be surprised if it comes to life.
I’ll do unspeakable things to you, baby, like vqtkjx and zqkpmr.
When you forgot you made garlic sauce with the sour cream, and then proceed to bake banana bread.
Anyone want some garlic banana bread?
Bon Jovi promising we were half way there 37 years ago is why I have trust issues
ME: you have to go to college
SON: but why though?
ME: to be able get nice things *shows him my watch* you see this?
SON: yeah
ME: I stole this from my roommate freshman year
when I see a Facebook relationship status ‘it’s complicated’ I imagine love through wormholes over tens of thousands of years, alien biology
thanksgiving in nutshell
Sorry. Can’t. I live in a small town. You know what that’s like. *vague gesture* Super busy avoiding all men from a Big City who might have recently inherited a tree farm & are liable to stay here after being charmed into rediscovering the true meaning of Christmas.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
i’m a man written by a woman but that woman has something very, very wrong with her
ME: So are you gonna put it in me or what
NURSE: Sir it’s a blood draw please stop saying that
You know what would make gang members tougher? Have them start snapping, then do pirouettes in the street.
– Broadway producers
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
“You knew what you were getting into when you had children”
Did I? Did I know that I’d be arguing with a 4yo that we don’t lick peoples feet? DID I KNOW THAT?
Look Mr. Wendy’s, I ordered a chicken club and you gave me a stupid sandwich. I have a car full of chickens on ecstasy here. Help me out.
Do poodle owners realize they just bought a dog with a shitty 1980s white girl perm?
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
Sign of the day..
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
If you tell me that something is just a hop, skip, and a jump away, I’m not going. That’s exercise.