“Dont put all your eggs in one basket,” is a lie perpetuated by Big Basket to sell more baskets
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Clark: *on one knee* Lois, will you help me turn this MEtropolis into a WEtropolis
And bowling should be called pinball
You know what comes after “leg day”?
Can’t walk up or down stairs day
friend: wanna see a magic trick
person who got cursed by a donkey wizard yesterday: no thank you
NEED SOMEONE TO FILM AN ONLYFANS VID WITH ME:
You pretend to be a mover helping me get my things from one apartment to the other. I wear a tiny sundress and you don’t touch me you just move my things. This does not pay
This might be the most wholesome advice column question I have ever seen
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
I’m sticking to my guns.
I really should have washed my hands after I ate.
I think the short sellers had it right with Game Stop. It’s a failing business. If you look closely at their actual business model it does not seem at all effective at stopping games.
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My dogs didn’t feel the earthquake because they have constant gas.
I found a pair of black rimmed glasses in my purse and they’re not mine and I’m worried Superman won’t be able to turn back into Clark Kent without them.
[making octopuses]
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: yes
angel: arm?
god: no
Do you think swordfish are down there just jousting each other with their face all day or what
My Sherpa girlfriend is too high-mountainance.
I propose we rename our seasons:
• Blizzard
• Flood
• Oven
• Kinda Nice For A Bit
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
If you’re out of wallpaper, you can always resort to using a few rolls of duct tape for that nice silver look.
The bad news is your life flashes before your eyes a lot once your teenagers start driving. The good news is you can have that margarita at lunch.
I didn’t expect to have such strong feelings when the subtitles said smooching while the actors were kissing.
not now, i’m busy doing tax crimes on my abacus
Google isn’t much help if you can’t think of the word ‘zebra’
If you try to rip somebody’s head off, I suggest you train for it first. If you don’t succeed it makes the following few minutes awkward.
Person with an intense headache: migraines are terrible
Unsuccessful wheat farmer: mine too
Someday my kids are going to eat their own pizza crusts, and then I’ll have nothing for dinner.
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
hey (with the intention of telling Jude not to make it bad)
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog