The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
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I’m as hard to open up as a grocery store produce bag.
Found a picture of me sitting on Santa’s lap. Hard to believe it’s been a whole year.
When you pick your nose after dusting the house
SECURITY GUARD: Sir, you can’t be here.
ME: But I AM here.
SECURITY: I understand that, but you can’t be in this area.
ME: I think I have definitely shown that is not true.
TSA agent: Please remove all footwear
[moments later]
TSA agent: Not mine, sir
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
When I’m old enough, my kids better not leave me alone with a box of Crayolas and anything upholstered
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
Dog: You’re back!
Me: Yes
Dog: I missed you so much!
Me: Aww, that’s sweet
Dog: Seriously, I almost died of loneliness
Me: Okay, but I was in the bathroom for like a minute
Dog: DON’T. EVER. LEAVE. ME. AGAIN!
Me: (shaving my legs)
Cashier: I’m gonna need to ring up that razor and can of whipped cream, please.
therapist: next time someone ghosts you what are you going to do?
me: [singing] who you gonna call? ghostbusters
therapist: get out
ladies, if a guy…
-remembers your birthday
-knows what you enjoy
-saves your pictures
-harvests your data
-keeps your passwords in plaintextthis guy is not your man.
this guy is mark zuckerberg.
Is there anything funnier than when a cozy cat or dog suddenly heaves a big SIGH like dude what could possibly be the matter
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
Is Lent nearly over? I don’t know how much longer I can hold my breath.
Rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices:
-No
-No way
-Still no
-Yes! JK absolutely not
-Go ask your father
(Guy who was trapped in a well for 20 years standing in front of the Get Well Soon cards at the pharmacy, frowning)
I bet that cop who went down the slide real fast has some relatives who have been waiting MONTHS to get to roast him to his face today.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
[Family game night]
Grandma: what are the rules?
Me: omg for the last time, we spin the chamber and take turns shooting ourselves in the head
S/o to @funTweeters .
Sorry, I can’t be the bigger person. I’m the size of the average 4th grader.
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
If I opened an Italian restaurant, I’d describe my lasagne as ‘Just like mama used to make’ because my mum couldn’t cook and neither can I.
Sometimes I get annoyed at how unreasonable my 7 year old is but then I remember that at his age my plan was to make a million dollars off “my invention” which was a bunch of fishtanks arranged in a group and connected by tubes so the fish could move around like gerbils.
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
You people that are getting sex regularly either need to keep that shit to yourselves or be more descriptive.