4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
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Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Every muscle in my back is sore. Hurt it at the gym? Chopping wood? Helping move a refrigerator? Nope. Sneezing.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Me: “I have octopus like reflexes.”
Person: “Don’t you mean cat like reflexes?”
Me: *squirting him with ink* “Nope.”
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
[1st date]
*hiding that I’m actually a Zamboni*Date: Now that we’ve broken the ice-
Me: *nervously sweats while rolling across the floor*
Turbulence is just God’s little way of telling us we’re NOT BIRDS.
If you have nothing mean to say, say it in German.
If they ever invent time travel my dad would still insist on leaving early to avoid traffic
Vulcans are space-elves.
Look at the ears.
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
KFC: A secret blend of 11 herbs and spices
Me: Does that include salt and pepper?
KFC: Blend of 9 secret herbs and spices
TEACHER: You just answered B to every test question
ME: I figured I’d get a few right
TEACHER: It wasn’t multiple choice
I feel like people who end up on Dateline for committing murder don’t watch enough Dateline to plan their crimes accordingly.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
This documentary says Barbie has had over 300 illustrious careers. And only one boyfriend.
You can just call me Opposite Barbie.
I ate all of my Halloween candy. I sure hope these kids like Milkbones.
I think I just invented four new yoga poses trying to get a chocolate chip that I dropped under the table.
I always say “Beep beep! Tough guy alert!” when I see a guy in a Tap Out shirt so he knows I know he’s a tough guy.
Best way to stop the April Fools’ “I’m pregnant” jokes is replying with “I thought you put on some weight.”
[after the apocalypse]
God: *counting souls* I’ll trade you a podcaster for an uber driver
Satan: *unwrapping his third social media influencer* no way man
being bisexual means i’m attracted to women AND keanu reeves.
ME: I got us a custom headstone!
WIFE: I’m not being immortalized in one of your dumb jokes
ME: Just read it
WIFE: “Tomb it may concern…”
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
to the people who follow me but don’t like anything I post. I see you, I hear you, I am you 🫶