im about to go on a date. im sure it will be perfectly normal and wont go viral or anything…
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For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
While eating as a guest at other people’s homes, I’m thinking their dogs are genetically obligated
to-convince you they’ve never, ever been fed.
You seem stressed. Perhaps I can help by stepping on your computer’s power button
–cats
I like to refer to what gravity has done to my body as the rise and fall of the Roman Empire.
Wife (to our teen): Can you unload the dishwasher?
Teen: See, this is why I don’t come down here
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
there were like 2 years when american internet culture was obsessed with bacon and at the time we thought that was as bad as it could get
my mind
You just read my mind
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
My 7-year-old wrote this joke:
What’s a zombie’s favorite weather?
A brainstorm.I’ve never been more proud.
Brought a stapler to a gun fight and now everyone is neatly organized into piles of corpses and sorted by height. The police will be pleased
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Truth
The thing about human relationships is that one person can be so overcome by a moment while the other person is thinking about KFC…
* on a date *
Date: So did you make any New Year Resolutions?
Me: I’m on a diet.
Date: So what will you order for dinner?
Me: Well, I usually get 2 pieces of pizza, but tonight I’ll only order one.
Date: Wow-that’s amazing! You’ve got some will power!
Me:
<–Goes to gym 3 times a week… Cannot separate two shopping carts stuck together at grocery store.
her: i’m leaving u
me: bc of my drinking puns
her: yes
me: alcohol u tomorrow
Pro tip: If you eat your sandwich in line you don’t have to pay for it.
Let me play you the song of my children.
*open and closes door 20 times*
{God inventing turtles}
What if a lizard had social anxiety?
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
Scientists recently discovered T-Rex hunted in packs, confirming once again that we should all send that asteroid a thank you card.
What do you mean my cats can’t be dependents on my taxes?!
I feed them, clothe them, & care for them!
CPA: You clothe them?
Shut it hater.
I have a splitting headache today.
Voldemort must be back from the dead and attempting to kill me.
Post-it Note stuck to desk: Stop wasting Post-it Notes!
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
You love him. Your parents approve him. He buys you flowers and chocolate. He wrote you a poem that rhymes “wood” with “food.”
Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it