Me: I’m gluten free and lactose intolerant
Them: so what do you eat?
Me: mostly cheese.
You Might Also Like
Greatest villain Gotham city was its city planner cuz I get folks need jobs but come on. Who zones many deadly toxic chemical factories in the middle of dense populated city. And also out for drain to go directly into the River system.
Oh, you want to fight? Ok, one second *takes off glasses, removes retainer, unpins towel cape, empties snacks from pockets, sets down kitten
Weather: is bad
My body: welp time for a migraine
Weather: is good
My body: welp time for a migraine
Me: but
My body: I said what I said
I ordered a toilet seat from Amazon and now based on the ads I see they must think I have an insatiable toilet seat addiction
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
Tastes like chicken.
I hate when I think there’s an open parking space and then I have to run over a motorcycle.
Someone just followed me and their bio said they were born in the year 2000 and I was like, “OKAY YEAH SURE, so you’re 3?” and then I realized that the year 2000 was 19 years ago and I am an old person.
If dolphins are so smart how come I managed to trick one into investing all its savings in my phoney pyramid scheme?
If you’ve never told a cop that pulled you over for doing 88mph or higher that you are a time traveler then have you ever really even tried to get out of a ticket
Get a puppy if you are in the market for a best friend who gets you up at 5 am so she can bite you excitedly
Me: have i eaten refried beans right out of the can? yes. did i commit light treason in the 80s using my american express traveler’s checks? maybe. do i try to steal one thing every time i go to the grocery store? absolutely
judge: juror number four, you’re excused
One of my 4 nephews just brought me wine and said, “Here’s your Christmas juice,” and now he’s the one I’m leaving everything to.
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
I’m not to thrilled with our solar system.
I rate it one star..
In HS I was one of two people on the yearbook commitee & the supervising teacher never showed up so we filled it with stupid jokes/criticism of the administration, & when everyone got their yearbook the school recalled every single copy so they could be burned
John: There are places…
Paul: I remember
George: All my life, though…
Ringo: How can antibiotics and pro-biotics both be good for you
Scooby-Doo led me to believe that if I were ever really scared, I should run super-fast in place.
10 years ago today, I married my best friend…
My wife’s still really angry about it but me & Dave were drunk & thought it was funny
best comment I’ve heard when I tell people I’m sober is “eating too much is WAY worse than drinking too much,” but I’ve never known anyone who got a concussion or chlamydia after too many McNuggets
We have Life cereal. How is it that some marketing hack hasn’t come up with a cereal for Goths, called Death?
“Robots are going to take your job” yeah ok have you ever watched a roomba for even five seconds
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
me: hey remember when we hid the stamps from the kids?
my brain: yup!
me: where did we put those?
my brain:
me:
my brain: ok, you’re never gonna believe this
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
Paid rent so I’ll be at home enjoying my purchase for the rest of the week.
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
Honestly, my biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the socializing.
Answers phone, makes modem noises…