Thank god I played a lot of Tetris as a kid or I never would have been able to get everything into the freezer
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I got 66 problems and being upside down is 1
ME: lick it slam it suck it, right?
HER: give me back my baby
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
JESUS (hitting snooze): Just three more days.
getting an underwhelming response to my new honk if you hate loud noises bumper sticker.
Just ate a Pop-Tart off of a real plate like some kind of goddamn oil magnate
Son: Mom fell thru the ice!
Dad: Grab a new box of cereal!
*Opens bottom of box*
Mom [bursting through ice]: WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re sad?
Fleabag: Go to church.
Therapist: Good.
Fleabag: To flirt with the priest.
Therapist: No.
I know that when my husband gets home late tonight he’s going to eat all the chips so this leaves me with no choice but to eat all the chips first
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”
i wonder what my cat is thinking about when she sits curled up at my feet staring at me for hours and sharpening her hattori hanzo sword
Oh baby let me lick your [Googs term for spiral pasta real quick]
Alicia Keys: 🎶 I keep on fallin’ 🎵
Me: *strategically positions pillows around Alicia*
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
“Look on the bright side – at least there’s more for us to drink with him gone” is, apparently, not something one should say at a wake.
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
I discovered my 91-year-old Dad wearing blue surgical gloves while he ate.
Me: Uh, Dad, what are you doing?
Dad: Chicken wings are so slippery everyone should wear gloves.
[at preschool open house hearing nut allergy policy]
*raises hand*
What if I draw a peanut on her napkin?Wife: Please go wait in the car
SHAKESPEARE: Brevity is the soul of wit.
ME: *Shows him twitter*
SHAKESPEARE: Okay, well, no, obviously not like that.
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
I followed this woman on a bike with an empty baby seat for a half a mile yelling, “your baby jumped out!” before she gave me the finger.
I had to memorize a random 18 digit password before she’d let me in. Guess who stole your Soap Opera Digest out of the mailbox, Mom?
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
Autocorrect changed “stranger” to “strangler” & it made me wonder how often I must have written about murdering people to teach it that.
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
me: “why tf does my back hurt??”
also me:
My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.