going to office: late
.
going to a doctors appointment: late
.
going to a friends house: late
.
going to a concert: 8 hours early
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I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
Drove a wedge of suspicion today between the fast food employee at the first window and the one at the second.
please god what the hell did i do to deserve all this *flashback to 12 years ago when i threw a flashbang at my own team in CounterStrike*
Anyone that says 100kg of feathers weighs the same as 100kg of steel hasn’t considered the additional weight of having to live with knowing what you did in order to procure 100kg of feathers.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
Me: [returning organic fertilizer] I don’t need this shit.
The Bachelorette… but for cats.
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
“Your honor, my client is absolutely not a flight risk.”
“What makes you so sure?”
“He is a penguin.”
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
My doctor said my cervix is perfect.
I’m still blushing.
that’s really how it is
Cat stuck in a tree? Have you tried placing a computer keyboard at the bottom?
[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT
Technically, setting someone on fire is burning calories.
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Me: I just need you to tell me when my clothes are dry.
Dryer: Please, no talking until intermission.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
Welcome to parenthood. Have you ever wondered what it would be like if a day was 3267 hours long?
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
son: daddy, there’s a skeleton in my closet
me: don’t be ridiculous–it won’t be a skeleton for months
If you’re burglarizing a home and the owner walks in, defuse the situation by saying, “I seriously love your place”
Lucky for them, they’re cute
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.
Me: What are you doing?
Husband: You said you wanted to wake up early
Me: Not this early
H: You don’t even know what time it is yet
A lot of people say “we need to” when they mean “you need to”. We need to stop that.
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Dracula: Every day
Dentist: Your gums are covered in blood.
Dracula: Oh…I mean never. I never floss.