Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
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Me: [stands under majestic tree watching leaves fall] This is beautiful
[2 hours later buried under a mountain of leaves] you piece of shit
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Sleepless in Seattle starring Tom Honks and Meg Ryan (1993)
I cry when I cut my carrots because I don’t want my onions to feel awkward.
“I Still Haven’t Found What I’m Looking For” is my favourite song about opening and closing the fridge 150 times a day
Bruce Willis is snorkelling when a shadowy figure appears in front of him. It’s a pug in full scuba gear. a very slow chase ensues
“Jesus take the wheel!” I shout, but Jesus decided to pop out of the sunroof firing a machine gun at our pursuers instead.
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I hate when I’m in a restaurant bathroom, and I run out of toilet paper. Like my dinner guests are gonna be scared of HALF a mummy costume
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
blood cell 1: want to tie the clot?
blood cell 2: of course baby
blood cell 3: coagulations guys!
Once a neighbor kid asked if my dog had any nicknames & I lied & made a bunch up & now whenever I see her she asks how ‘Tree Trunk’ is doing
There’s a song playing in Panera that goes “I got your Christmas right here”, and this just sounds so aggressive to me .
Please stop calling a picture of a grilled cheese sandwich “food porn”.
Whenever I see an empty pizza box in a neighbor’s garbage can, I get jealous someone had a better night than I did.
*first day as a firefighter*
I don’t think this place is open for lunch, it’s on fire
My horoscope was so wrong today I’m beginning to doubt the science behind this life planning tool.
They keep saying “Our system does funny things sometimes” and I told them “You understand you’re the credit card company talking to a customer, right, you probably shouldn’t tell me stuff like that.”
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
One of the coolest things about superhero films is that they can be any genre.
Science fiction? Guardians of the Galaxy.
Fantasy? Doctor Strange.
Sleep aid? Eternals.
I don’t know if I’m mad because my husband got me the next size up pants or because they fit perfectly.
ME: these fireworks are so quiet
WIFE: those are palm trees
By the time my father was my age he had amassed, like, 30 coffee cans full of screws. I have none. What have I done with my life?
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
Farmer: You’d like to exchange nutrient rich manure for my agricultural expertise?
Me: Yes. Shit for brains, if you will. Lol.
“You may now kiss the bride”
Wow this is the happiest day of-
*dad flies by in hot air ballon*
QUEEERR
*throws football at my head*
I could never be a burglar because my OCD would always have me going straight to the kitchen to front face the labels on their cans.