little girl: he was a gift
horse dentist: then I cannot help you
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My teen says she is not able to wake up before 10 AM, so I’m going to make the most of this time…blow dry my hair, vacuum her room, test the foghorn.
me: sorry I have to go my, uh, cat is texting me
date: omg just tell me you’re not interested
cat still texting: THE GOOD LITTER HAVE I MADE MYSELF CLEAR
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
I mix up the Marvel and DC universes on purpose just for the angry sex
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Kylo Ren used to complain his parents were passive aggressive.
Well, boo hoo.
My dad was actively aggressive.
Just ask my hand.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
I wear a mask in public, not only because the vast majority of doctors say it’s safe and an effective way to combat COVID-19, but also to hide my second chin.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
when i find out there’s a cat at the party but they’re locked in the bedroom
What’s the biggest gaffe you’ve ever made? Mine was congratulating a coworker on a non-existant pregnancy. Turns out he’d just gotten really fat.
Tricks I can do with a skateboard
•look at it
•smell it
•rub the top
•fall off it if I stand on it
•spin the wheels with my fingers
•sell it
I can’t shop there because I don’t understand their parking lot.
[my dad is in the backyard motionless gazing off into the distance]
wife: what’s he doing
me: oh, there’s a long standing tradition in my family
her: what is it
me: i… just… told you?
[Olympic Swimming]
CANADIAN ANNOUNCER: I feel bad for the water look how hard they’re kicking it.
*sips from glass of water that’s been sitting out for a while*
ugh, it tastes like the house
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
Hostage: [screaming]
Mafia boss: hurry up and tape his mouth!
Me: [still trying to find the beginning of the tape on the roll]
The Lord of the Rings is my favorite movie about how he didn’t go to Jared®️
so i’m at the stock market right
Hey, people who act like they’re about to fight but are really friends, you are FREAKING the rest of us out.
Every recipe should include ingredients, instructions, and which local restaurant delivers last minute
Do you hold your breath when people on TV are underwater or are you normal?
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
*leans over sink*
*splashes face w cold water*
*stares at self in mirror**returns to couch where my niece is playing mario kart*
best of 3
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid