How come it’s called an “engagement ring” and not kneel diamond?
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She has a rye sense of humor & great buns.
I’m her hero, although I don’t have much dough.
I can’t wheat to see her!
I’m in loaf.
[jaws theme plays]
Me: omg
Shark groom: omg she’s here
I think I accidentally became a nun:
✅ not banging
✅ may have inadvertently taken a vow of poverty
✅ loves long dresses
✅ has a lot of habits
Not even a lifetime of watching horror movies will prepare you for the 1st time your baby says “hi” and waves to the empty corner of a room.
I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
People think they can be snarky to me at work like they don’t realize I have perfume I can wear and fish I can microwave.
A beautiful woman said hi to me at the store and I panicked and said Merry Christmas.
WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
A Jenga tower with French Toast sticks and every time you pull one out you eat it and if you knock the whole thing over you eat it.
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
I want to be the kind of person who eats half a grapefruit for breakfast and runs every morning but I also want to be happy
An elderly poodle just passed me on this run so my post-apocalypse survival rate is very low.
Right now, Girl Scout moms are hungrily eyeing the cases of cookies filling their living rooms and wondering if their bank accounts can take the hit
[at bank]
Samuel L Jackson turning in swear jar: I need a bank check to buy Rhode Island
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
Now that I’m a dad, I can just fearlessly blurt out “Congress are a bunch of losers” and go back to reading the sports section.
DARTH VADER: i need to let luke know he’s my son and that I still love him
THERAPIST: what do you think is the best way to do that
DARTH VADER: imma cut off his hand
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Coworker sneezed, and said “Oh my. I don’t know where that came from.”
I’m no Scientist, but I’m pretty sure it came from her nose.
Ad: Buy junk food.
Me: OK.Ad: Buy alcohol.
Me: OK.Ad: Work out.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
[GF comes home to find our son alone]
Where are you? I said to watch him like a hawk!
ME: [soaring 20m above w/ a beakful of mice] I AM
I’m not “late”, I’m just very creative with my interpretation of “time”.
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
*walks into funeral while playing the mandolin*
“I’m sorry. Am I interrupting?”
*dead guy sits up in casket*
No it sounds lovely. Keep going
[checking my phone]
“i hope this email finds you being mauled” ha ha what in the heck
[suddenly a bear is in my kitchen]