I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
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Hey pal, you wanna take this outside? *me & the guy from the bar scoop the bug up on a napkin and set it down gently on the grass in front*
telling all stories about twitter 2.0
#RIPTwitter #TwitterMigration #twitter2.0 #TwitterIsDead
Should have let Marvel produce 2020.
BOUNCER: No, you’re not getting in, just go home
ME: *slips him some money*
BOUNCER: What’s this?
ME *whispering so my friends don’t hear* thank you
Call all your previous ones relationsinks.
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.
Edward norton: what’s your power
Me: I recast avenger characters
Mark ruffalo: wait wut
This guy got on the bus and just stared at me and Lulabelle on my lap for a solid 30 seconds then goes “are you allowed to have dogs on the bus” and I just shrugged thinking he was gonna give me shit or something but then he pulls out a chihuahua out of nowhere
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
Most forest fires are started when someone runs with corduroy pants on
Your first instinct is gonna to be to spell “leopard” and “deaf” correctly. You’re going to want to resist that. – Best band manager ever.
Wife fell off the bed and I laughed so hard that I’ll be sleeping on the floor tonight with the cat.
Bear Grylls: *waits impatiently for NASA’s call*
I’m way too old for this shit.
*What I say every day as if I’m suddenly gonna start getting younger.
The grammar police are there to ensure proper sentencing.
Add spice to your relationship. Probably not saffron, though. That stuff’s expensive.
never seen my husband madder than the time i snuck on his facebook and blindly ‘liked’ every single post on the feed for 10 minutes
“Why put a baseball bat up when you can just lay it down on a stair in the middle of the stairway? What could go wrong?”
~My son apparently
Apparently “this house is a prison” wasn’t the right thing to say when my husband made me get out of bed this morning.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
My brother in law sent us adorable Valentines from our 14 month old niece who we have never met (They live in Canada)
Her litlte red handprints are the card are so sweet…except it also kinda looks like she bathed in the blood of her enemies and then sent us a warning
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Kids today will never know the struggle of flipping a cassette tape in a Walk-Man will riding on a bicycle at the same time.
THE WEEKND: I can’t feel my face when I’m with you
DENTIST (injecting novocaine): that’s kinda the point dude
I’m rearranging the kitchen which is devastating for my husband because now suddenly he remembers where everything used to be.
I ate cereal for dinner because I do what I want. I’m an adult.
Oh did I say adult? I meant poor. It’s because I’m poor.
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
ME: ok doc what’s wrong
DOCTOR: u have 6 months to live
ME: *leans in closer* no what’s wrong
DOCTOR: it’s just u only visit me when ur sick
Lucy in the Sky with Some Splainin’ to Do.