I only wear a scarf on really cold days. I should probably wear some other clothes too.
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Tonight’s to-do list:
-honk
-shoo
-honk
-mimimimimi
Apparently, lifting your feet so she can reach underneath,
Is NOT considered “helping her vacuum.”
Lesson learned, fellas. Lesson learned.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
I found a new way to get my wife to wash the car. When ever it gets dusty I write the following on it:
“I wish my Wife was this Dirty”.
never register for a class that says “space is limited,” because whoever’s running it clearly has no respect for science
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn’t need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
Her: I want you to dress up as your biggest fear this year.
Me: Ok, but how do I make a costume out of you finding my unlocked phone?
Brunos are from Mars, Freddies are from Mercury.
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
At my interview
Him – what do you make at your current job?
Mostly mistakes and few inappropriate comments
I’m sorry if I looked interested. You probably caught me fantasizing about bacon.
*getting undressed in front of someone for the first time*
sorry i look like this, i honestly didn’t think i was ever gonna do this again
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
Wife: Thanks for escorting me to the subway. I feel much safer w/you around.
Me: Hey, if anyone’s going to murder my wife, it’s going to be me.
when you google “how to get chocolate syrup” it autofills “out of carpet,” so at least I know I’m not alone
My husband just got to level three on netflix: “faking an illness” to finish binge watching
I’m on level 6: “faking your own abduction”
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
[creating flamingos]
god: here’s your legs
flamingo: can I just have 1
god: no u have to use 2
flamingo: [narrows eyes & sucks teeth] we’ll see about that
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Who called it ‘The Last Supper’ and not ‘Jesus take the meal’
Start out each day with a healthy serving of ants. Which is no ants. Don’t put ants in your mouth
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?
Me: I struck down a Jedi.
W: god I hate you.
M: yes, use your hate
Today I nearly met my end!…it was in a yoga class.