007: the name’s bond…james bond
me: nice to meet you bond james bond
007: just james bond
me: bond just james bond
007: no my full name is just james bond
me: nice to meet you just james bond
007: you know i can legally kill you
me: no, never met him
007: *draws weapon*
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[the ’4 Horsemen Of The Apocalypse’ descending from heaven]
me: *clapping excitedly* ooooh, horseys’!!!
I fell asleep listening to the Red Hot Chili Peppers and woke up illiterate.
The grass is fuckin greener wherever you water it…….
….idiot….
HER: I love classic rock
ME: [trying to impress] I’ve been to the Grand Canyon
I watch medical dramas that are about 5% medicine and 95% drama and I call it studying
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
My husband took away all my son’s devices before he left for work this morning, so I guess he wants to test the strength of our marriage.
The Proclaimers claim they would walk 500 miles, only offering 500 more after the fact simply to exceed predetermined expectations.
Vanessa Carlton, on the other hand, offers the full 1000 miles up front in one lump sum, even AFTER making her way downtown.
In this essay, I will
My daughter found a dinosaur bone in the grass at her preschool and IT IS NOT A STICK. Do not even think about telling her otherwise!
Director: so, you’ll be playing this regular guy…
Johnny Depp: no thanks.
[7th day of Christmas]
MY TRUE LOVE: Here’s some swans
ME: More birds, terrific. Look Karen my living room is covered in shit because of all the birds you’ve given me, this is kind of insane
A ghost appears in the room. It wants to tell me something, but won’t speak. It throws up it’s hands, as if trapped in another world.
Yeah, great. Just my luck I get haunted by a phantomime.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Computer dating is fine… if you are a computer.
I hated Sex Ed at school. Or ‘Sexy Edward’, to give him his full name.
A printer consists of three main parts: the case, the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light
ever get so mad at your kids at walmart you grab a tennis racquet off the shelf and start spanking them with it before u realize u don’t have kids
A shout out to all those who remember the keys of the house only after shutting the door.
Nothing like 2 big dogs chasing your dog to get in some extra cardio
Groundhogs around the world are sitting around complaining about Phil and how ‘he doesn’t deserve the fame for doing what ANY groundhog can do!’
Just a reminder your kids will be left to clean out your belongings when you die and will find ‘the bedroom drawer’.
Him: I got a 69 on my test
Me: Nice
Him: I bet you don’t even know why people say that
Me: *hoping it’s because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers* because 69 is the sum of sums of the divisors of the first 9 positive integers
Him: Lucky guess
jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
We met for coffee yada yada yada next thing I know we’re in the back of my car covered in lobsters and her dog is driving us to the ER
5: “Mommy why not?”
Me: “Because you’re driving me crazy.”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
5: “How?”
Manager: Your fired
Me: *You’re
Manager: How did you know I spelled it wrong if I spoke it out loud
Me: How did you know I corrected you
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
people that say “on another note” probably use a lot of paper
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter