me: you can’t take all that candy to school
son: then what do I do with it?
me: you leave it here
son: with you?
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Yelling “give me back my panties, you pervert” at joggers is a surprisingly effective way of encouraging them to run faster.
I had a thought so dumb today that I Venmo-ed a friend $5 before I texted it to her.
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
“nice dog or cat or baby or whatever” i offer politely, my eyes scanning the room for the taco dip. “was it expensive?”
If you’re trying to kidnap me, just wave a bag of cookies and throw it in a windowless van. I will happily and hungrily follow.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
BILLION DOLLAR IDEA
A giant cinnamon roll that you sleep in, that becomes warm and edible when it’s time to wake up
Hi Walmart, I don’t think mushrooms will work.
Me: ‘Have you considered hydrotherapy?’
19: ‘What?’
Me: ‘Just take a shower, please.’
[leaving store without bag]
Cashier: Forgetting something?
“Oh wow, how embarrassing”
*walks back to give her a hug and kiss on the lips*
please do not approach me unless i have an exclamation point above my head indicating i have a quest for you
Rest in peace, 974,832nd chapstick i put through the laundry
[helping kid w/math]
What is 0.1 as a fraction?
“One tenth?”
Good, now what does 10% mean?
“Battery low, plug in your phone?”
Perfect
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.
but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.
society: buy a sheet for your mattress
me: ok makes sense
society: then a sheet for that sheet
me:
society: then a blanket for that sheet
me: i think-
society: and a blanket for the blanket
me: you done?
society: oh and 30 pillows
Me: Let’s try it have a nice weekend without any fighting, ok?
Hub: Agreed
Me: Wait, where are you going?
Hub: Fishing. See you Monday
me: I wish there were more hours in my day
the sun at 5:30 a. m.: hey
m; eew. no. not you.
If your family goes to church on Christmas morning, be grateful. This may be your only chance to lock them out of the house.
[the first couples argument]
Adam: It’s Christmas Eve.
Eve: No, you idiot. Christmas is tomorrow.
If couples who are in love are called love birds, then really, couples who always fight should be called angry birds!
Me: It’s such a nice day, I’m going to sit outside, read, listen to music, and have a couple of beers
*Neighbors dog stands at fence and barks for five minutes straight*
Me: You’re right, pooch. I should go to a bar, stimulate the local economy, and hijack the TouchTunes.
Parents will complain about their kids wanting to read the same book every night and then go watch the office for the bajillionth time.
Why are sloths one of the 7 deadly sins? Those little guys don’t hurt anybody. They just chill all day.
MMORPG NPCs will be like “My wife was killed by wild boars, help me avenge her!” despite the fact there are like 10,000+ priests and clerics running around who can literally resurrect people at any given time.
Me: So what do you do?
Date: I work with animals
Me: *imagining an office ran entirely by golden retrievers in suits* Your job sounds fun
If I groomed really well, lost some weight, got my teeth fixed and learned how to use Photoshop I could easily be a five
#AnAutumnAtrocity
New fall boots. 😆😆
Horoscope: Slightly fatter than you were yesterday
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*