A hypnotist made me believe I was a bendable metal with an atomic number of 82. I’m easily lead.
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Guess who doesn’t want to hear your kid sing? Everyone. The answer is everyone, so stop it.
I’m not fat. Just retaining cookies.
People on social media: Look at me! Look at what I’m eating! Give me attention!
People in cars: Why would anyone care that I’m about to turn?
Trainer: OK this week we are cutting carbs.
Me: Wait, what – even macaroni & cheese?
Trainer: Ya.
Me: …I think we should see other people.
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[Hot Wheels cars zooming through entire house] “I SWEAR TO GOD KAREN IF YOU DISCONNECT ANY PART OF THIS TRACK I’M DIVORCING YOU”
The main reason I don’t own a gun is because I would shoot people who scare me when they sneeze.
Things that don’t kill bees:
1. Furniture polish
2. Febreeze
3. Butter
4. Screaming
Isn’t that the name of the guy that played Sherlock Holmes?
Boss, I can’t come in today. Got a bad case of-
*puts hand over phone*
-what was it again?
Daughter: Boogeritis.
*to phone*
It’s Boogeritis.
The best time of day for a prostate examination is 6:30 because both hands are at the bottom.
If you can diet in October around all the Halloween candy-you’re either dying or practicing witchcraft.
Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
What I say: hold on with two hands
What my kid hears: hold on with as few hands as possible, preferably none
DATE: I want someone that is focused on their own personal growth
ME: [to the waiter] On second thought, I’ll have two lasagnas, this evening
Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this
Top prank: when your friend falls asleep, place his hand in a bowl of warm water so he wakes up with one regular hand & one wrinkly one.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
There is no “ea” in Tim.
After years of beta testing, my body is ready to launch OS X Cougar.
My kids are at an age now where they are beginning to understand embarrassment.
This is my time to shine.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
Put this video in the Louvre
The smartest way to keep kids out of a fumigated house is by making it look like a big fun circus tent.
In 1956, the US government exploded a nuclear bomb near bottles of beer to see if beer would still be safe to drink in the event of the nuclear apocalypse. Conclusion: at least you can still safely get drunk in a nuclear wasteland.
Doctor: I told you to gargle with salt water.
Me *slurping ramen noodles*: ᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉᵍᵃʳᵍˡᵉ
You’re a dog person? *Throws a stick* Well? Aren’t you going to run after it or are you cool with being a normal human that’s also a liar?